Part 1 The Art of Influence: How to Gain Influence and

Belonging and Significance The tribal instinct is inherent in each of us. Everyone has a need to belong to a group. This is a universal desire. The way we dress indicates our "tribe": the military demonstrate their belonging to any branch of the military with

At first everything was fine, but quickly enough you felt that the degree of his interest in you has dropped significantly. He does not care at all, is not interested in your opinion, does not give flowers, considering it superfluous. He does not love so much as he allows himself to be loved ... Alas, this is quite a typical situation.

Probably, at least once in her life, any woman asked herself the question: how to increase her value in the eyes of a man? Many people really suffer because they feel underestimated, but do not understand that in order to maintain the right balance in a relationship, a woman must first learn to respect herself.

Lack of self-respect is a trap not only on the "love front"

This generally prevents you from developing as a person, because a person who allows himself to be devalued does not have a strong personality center, and therefore there is no basis in order to increase his potential and develop his resources. After all, all this - energy, knowledge, as well as their material manifestations, including even money - gathers around something. And, if you yourself, as a person, do not represent sufficient value even for yourself, then you do not have that strong rod on which everything will be strung.

Unfortunately, this is typical of the weaker sex. A woman without self-esteem constantly strives to shift the responsibility for her happiness to other people, whether they are members of her family or a potential partner. She wants to dissolve in her beloved, become his shadow, put her head on his shoulder and forget about everything. But the absence of responsibility implies not only the right to "be weak", but also lack of control levers. So everyone who declares: "I'm a girl, I don't want to decide anything" - they doom themselves to helplessness, to submission to someone else's will.

What does it look like in practice? It is rather paradoxical, since a woman, not respecting herself, at the same time manages to demand respect from a partner (after all, she is used to other people should solve her problems). There is a substitution of concepts when, claiming respect, a woman in disputes demonstrates a complete lack of SELF-respect. And the desire to defend their rights by all means is another proof of this. The very need to demand respect suggests that everything is very bad with self-respect. If you have to “knock out” any rights, including the right to feel your own value, this indicates that in fact these rights are under someone else’s control, i.e. do not belong to you.

To solve this problem, I propose to reformulate the question itself: do not look for a way to raise your value in the eyes of a man, look for means to raise your self-esteem feel your feminine dignity. As soon as you succeed, your behavior will automatically change, and the chosen one will be able to react to these changes. Reconsider the point of application of your efforts: act not on another, but on yourself. Only then will another reality begin to build around the new you.

To raise your value in his eyes, you do not need to ignore a man or somehow manipulate him. It is only necessary get rid of the feeling of inequality when he is the source of your happiness and the arbiter of fate. You are just as much a protagonist in this drama.

Respecting yourself and understanding that you and your "offender" are equal in rights, you will get rid of the need to fiercely defend your position, to demand something. It is enough to simply indicate your position, giving the partner the right to decide: accept it, or seek a compromise, or maybe just leave. Be ready to act according to the situation, whatever choice he makes. Even if a man refuses any negotiations and announces the “end”, it means that your value in his eyes is in any case insufficient to build a satisfying relationship with this person. Breaking up will only save time for both of you. Do not try to keep him, sacrificing your interests. Look for support within yourself, gather strength to go on your way - it is quite possible that you will soon meet a more suitable person on it. Remember: everything is only in your hands!

Why is self-respect the only “cure”?

Because that's the only thing you can truly influence. And for this you do not need to go beyond your own personal boundaries. This is the area where everything is under your control by default. If you can only influence someone else's or the common living space, then you completely control your own. And this is your strongest trump card.

Self-respect can make you stronger, but by giving in to the desire to shift responsibility for your life to someone else, you become weaker. It is important to understand that, neither bending under another person, nor “running into” him, one cannot eventually achieve respect for oneself, because. Both of these positions express desire to be a ward. In the first case, this happens directly, through the subordination of a woman to a man, and in the second, a woman does it indirectly, defending her rights to make a decision on custody of herself. Must love, must appreciate! Should take care of, in other words.

No, it shouldn't. Only you yourself you can become strong and happy. And with such a woman, any man is happy to be around. And he will treat her accordingly - it would never occur to him to behave dismissively. He knows that his independent girlfriend can leave at any moment, temporarily or permanently. And this is the only real leverage of influence. Either you respect me, or you lose my company. The choice is yours. And it's not a bluff.

The most interesting thing is that all this does not even have to be voiced. Men subconsciously feel what is possible, what is not, with whom their numbers go, and with whom it is better not to risk it. Below is an illustration of this thesis.

Value in the eyes of a man: two scenarios

For example, let's take a very common situation: he forgot about the meeting, or postponed it for an indefinite period, in fact, he simply disappeared. I stopped calling and writing, as if there was no relationship between you. And then suddenly showed up, as if nothing had happened.

If a woman (a typical dependent woman) attacks him with reproaches for a long absence and reprimands for disrespect from the series “you don’t think about me at all” - he understands that nothing terrible has happened. Women like to exaggerate, and in general they are emotional creatures. It will scream and stop, and then everything will resume as usual. Only now will a man know that such disappearances will continue to be forgiven him, i.e. such behavior will become normal. But this option is possible only if the woman is still needed by the man, needed enough to continue the relationship, despite the constant reproaches. The second option is that he does not want to listen to her tantrums, and he will leave her.

How does a woman with self-esteem behave in such a situation? She calmly, without any pretensions and even with a smile, says: “I am glad for your call, only I was waiting for you last Sunday, and today, unfortunately, I am busy, I already have plans for the evening.” And it's already quite a different balance of power. Now a man will either have to offer her something especially tempting to make amends, or refuse this woman. What exactly he chooses depends, again, on how much he needs her. But both participants in the situation in any case will save a lot of time and nerves.

That's just to notify a man about her employment so calmly and beautifully, the one who has been sitting on pins and needles for two weeks, waiting for his call and struggling with the temptation to call first, will not be able to. To keep calm and self-esteem in such a situation, you really need to be independent and strong. And for this, as we have already said, self-respect is necessary. That is, the key to solving the problem, whatever one may say, is only in your hands. Don't try to pass it on to a man. Any: “I want him ...” is a request for custody that will weaken you.

How to get rid of addiction in a relationship?

Remember: SELF-respect must be at the center of everything. We are used to living unconsciously, succumbing to desires that are imposed on us from the outside, making decisions thought out by someone else. We draw conclusions by cleverly avoiding the opportunity to think, because it is much easier to use what authority figures give us. Thus, we are more likely to obey other people's impulses than our own decisions. And so day after day, year after year... What kind of self-respect can we talk about? It slowly falls into a lethargic sleep, risking further falling into a coma.

Of course, addiction in a relationship is a fairly common situation. It is because of her that women are tormented by the question of why men do not marry, and then they try in every possible way to adapt to the chosen one or “threaten” him, proving the need to create “strong” relationships at any cost. But the effect of all these military operations is quite the opposite. The value of such relationships and the place of a woman in them is usually critically low.

Dependence on a man is a complex problem, but it is quite possible to solve it. To do this, it is not at all necessary to study books on. Tips are all around us, it is enough to pay attention to how these same mechanisms work in other areas of our lives. For example, our physical health improves if we monitor nutrition and exercise. Welfare grows if you correctly build a turnover of funds. Success at work is determined by your professional development, while dependence on colleagues and superiors decreases, you become more free to choose other jobs, more confident in your own abilities. And so on. By developing her internal resources, a woman gains strength and gets the opportunity to overcome dependence in relationships, she stops adjusting and pleasing. As a result, her self-esteem will grow, which means that her value in the eyes of a man will also rise.

The humiliation of women can manifest itself in different ways, and in none of the manifestations should you allow yourself to be treated like this. But how to use the leverage described above without losing a partner? You need to understand that in a healthy relationship Technique is not the deciding factor, that is, not the ability to step back, giving freedom, but the essence, that is, the contribution that you make to the common living space. Yes, you can be self-confident and independent, but this does not guarantee success in a relationship, since this is the minimum, the base on which everything is built. And a man will truly appreciate you when he realizes that being next to you is much more pleasant for him than with others. When he realizes that your qualities - appearance, sociability, the ability to care and give warmth - are more valuable to him than all other alternatives. Only then will the lever work: a man will not want to lose your company, and will begin to take into account your interests, even if he has to give up part of his own.

Once again, we are not talking about withdrawal techniques and the ability to keep your distance. Self-respect presupposes self-reliance However, the word "independence" should not be associated with such concepts as "coldness" or "loneliness". It's not the same thing at all. Strong personalities who respect themselves always have a lot of resources, including energy and emotional ones. This means that they have more freedom in their actions, they can give a lot without demanding anything in return, but they also know how to receive without demanding anything from anyone.

See for yourself by paying attention to those areas of your life where you feel confident in your abilities. You may have done well in your career. You have many offers from employers, and you do not worry that tomorrow you will be fired without severance pay - even if this happens, you can easily find a new job where your qualities will be appreciated. That is, in the labor market, in the professional sphere, you are free and calm. You will not work if your salary is delayed, you will not tolerate unreasonable nit-picking from your superiors. Now try to transfer this skill to the sphere of personal relationships. Since this law works everywhere. A man's respect for a woman develops according to the same principle.

So what to do?

Increase your feminine attractiveness (your value in the marriage market), develop the qualities you need in the family and at the same time know your worth. This is what you should focus on, instead of learning manipulative techniques to influence someone else's mind. Bonus: in this way, you can not only increase your value in the eyes of one man, but also, in general, begin to enjoy much greater success with the opposite sex.

By growing the ability to rely on yourself, you will be able to live a full life, without the influence of others. The most important thing here is not to get confused and not to reach a dead end when, in an effort to learn how to manage your life, you are trying to manage others, those on whom you really depend. Do not forget: wanting to gain respect from someone, demanding it, you exalt this person above yourself. You must first get rid of addiction, and then raise your value in the eyes of a man. More precisely, subject to your sufficient attractiveness and objective value, the second will happen by itself.

When a woman is important and meaningful to a man, he will do a lot for her. He will win, please, try and cherish. This often happens in the early stages of a relationship, but very rarely does it last long. A man begins to consider a woman an already conquered territory, calms down and ceases to appreciate what he has. And quarrels, scandals, claims, insults and betrayals begin. Not always, but often, women themselves provoke this, ceasing to give a man a sense of his own importance and value.

And this is the most important thing in relationships with men. Moreover, at every stage of the relationship. If your significance for him is high, he will strive to be close to you. If there are problems in your relationship, the man began to behave indifferently and does not seek to improve your relationship, then your significance is low.

When a woman enters into a relationship with an important and necessary man for her, she begins to make mistakes that lead to the loss of her significance. Today we will talk about the main ones so that you do not commit them and always work only on increasing your own importance, and not underestimating it.

Three Mistakes that Reduce Women's Significance and Value

1. A woman turns into a catch-up.

This term was coined by Svetlana Ermakova, the author of the methodology. And it most accurately reflects the state of a woman who is trying with all her might to keep a man, does everything for him and tries to adapt to him in everything. She gives much, many times more than she receives in return. The technique describes one good rule: “take one step towards a man only when he has taken two steps towards you!” Many women, fearing to lose a man, show excessive activity and thereby repel a man from themselves. And then they complain that they did everything for this man, and he turned out to be so ungrateful!

When you catch up, you show your strong interest, thereby giving the man the opportunity to completely relax and do nothing for you. When you sort things out with him, arrange a showdown, get jealous - you are in a position of catching up.

2. A woman demonstrates that no one needs her anymore.

When a man is too important for a woman, she strives in every way to show him that other men do not exist for her. She fixates on only one man, showing him her loyalty and devotion. This is not bad, but men often see the situation from the other side. That it is not a woman who makes such a choice and refuses to communicate with other men, but that other men do not communicate with her, that no one looks at her and no one needs her. And this greatly underestimates the value and significance of women.

A man needs to be assessed by society, his social significance is very important to him. And if society does not evaluate his woman in any way, then why does he need her then? He does not think about it consciously, it all happens on a subconscious level. All of us, one way or another, are sick with the “crowd syndrome” and often pay more attention to what hundreds of people are looking at than to what one person is looking at.

3. Close relationships with other men.

Yes, a man likes when his woman is looked at and admired. But only when the woman belongs to him alone. When he learns that a woman has an intimate relationship with another (or other) men, her value begins to equal zero. Did you catch the difference? It's one thing when other men like you. It enhances your value. Another thing is when you enter into very close relationships with other men - this significantly reduces your significance. Therefore, in an attempt to increase your importance, "borstu, borstu, but do not overdo it!"

You don't even have to have a lot of fans. You can simply warm up a man by inadvertently inserting remarks about other men's sympathies for yourself into a conversation, but do it subtly. For example: “Today at work, Viktor Petrovich did not take his eyes off me, I just felt embarrassed, I began to think that something was wrong with me. She asked him what was the matter. To which he said that this blue dress just amazingly suits my eyes, and for the first time he noticed how beautiful they are. I somehow felt uncomfortable, on the one hand. On the other hand, it's still very nice))). And immediately move the conversation to another topic.

But if you are actively flirting with men, and this flirting ends with a closer relationship, then do not expect your man to become jealous of you and immediately rush to conquer you. This is the mistake of many women. You won't gain value you just lose a man. It is important for a man that you belong only to him alone! Liked - by many, belonged - only to him.

And also try not to discuss your former partners with your man, especially how you had "it" with them. He should not know anything about this at all, this topic should be a “blank spot” for him. Always avoid this topic and any allusions to it. You are only His, period. As you remember, in the song of Irina Allegrova: “We are all women - bitches, dear, God is with you, everyone who is not the first is second to us!”. All female wisdom is expressed in the words of this song.

When a woman begins to catch up with a man, she becomes deeply unhappy, even having this man next to her. She lives in constant tension, which is contrary to female nature. It destroys itself instead of filling. Gotta fill it up! Love, joy, harmony ... And then the man will try to be close to such a woman. And everything will be natural, natural, everything in its place. And then there will be no pain, tension and fear. And there will be happiness, harmony and joy from relationships.