Several times in my life I met pathologically deceitful people. They did not distort any particular fact or situation, but gave false information about literally everything. According to the principle: "everything I say cannot be used against me for one simple reason - I'm lying!". At the same time, people, each in their own way, were wonderful, just for a reason unknown to me, they chose to live like this. Since then, every time I encounter a lie, especially if it comes from my children and pupils, I do not rush to conclusions. I remember that a liar can turn out to be a good person.

It is important to take into account that people's motives for telling lies, especially if these people are very young, can be very different. There are incorrigible dreamers who live with great pleasure in the world they have invented. Moreover, it is so real for them that they quite sincerely confuse the events taking place in two different worlds. It is difficult to call such a position even a lie, although there can be quite a few troubles from it. For parents, it makes it very difficult to objectively assess the situation in which the child lives. For example, he will excitedly talk about friends, studies, company, and all this will be so fun and detailed that you will never suspect a dirty trick until one day you face the fact that everything is difficult with studying with a teenager, relations with friends are so-so, and what he calls "friendly company" - a bunch of random people. He just really wanted to believe that he had no problems and he “finished” a little and “decorated” the bleak reality in his imagination, came up with his own “Carlson”.

The cure for such lies is the simplest: an excess of fantasy is a direct consequence of a lack of real events. So it’s worth thinking about how to return this balance to normal by offering the child an exciting business. That is the point, because one-time adventures cannot solve the problem.

It’s a completely different story when it comes to conscious systematic lies. In this case, it is worth mobilizing, gathering your will into a fist and ... stop suspecting the child of malice. Teenage lies are a defensive reaction. Therefore, it is worth considering from what or from whom exactly the child is protected. It may very well turn out that the reason for his lies is you.

This is not a very pleasant discovery. I really want to dismiss such guesses and urgently find another to blame. But the facts are inexorable: in a normal situation, a teenager can do just fine without lying. He has a childhood behind him, when a lie was a kind of experiment, and an adult life is ahead, in which a person can afford the luxury of telling the truth. If a teenager does not use this opportunity, then there are reasons.

And the most common cause of teenage lies is excessive parental control, or, as experts say, “overprotection”. The fact is that a growing child needs independence. It is so necessary that at some stage it is more important for him than so many moral obligations. So either you give him this independence voluntarily, limiting your presence in his life, or get ready for the fact that he will begin to defend independence by other methods. The most convinced go to open rebellion, while the majority manage with lies. He will lie about everything. Where he was, what he did, with whom he is friends, what he believes in. Just to protect my world from your obsessive attention.

- You know, I would probably not lie to my mother with pleasure if I had even the slightest chance to agree with her, but she decides everything for me and does not fulfill any promises. We agree that I will go for a walk, and at the last moment she changes her mind, - one fifteen-year-old girl admitted. At the same time, I knew for sure that she had nothing special to hide from her parents, but it was no longer possible to build relationships without lies.

It is clear that such a situation does not add peace in the house and love between family members. But this is just the tip of the iceberg. The real trouble is that the habit of lying acquired in youth will not disappear over the years, but will evolve. The principle “it is easier to lie than to defend” will be put at the basis of relations with spouses, employers, business partners. And even if even a grown-up teenager is aware of his childhood problem, it may take years to get out of the vicious circle.

So each parent has to make a choice, what is more important for him: a controlled situation now, or an adult responsible person in the future. My choice in such cases: close your eyes and trust the child already. To be interested in affairs unobtrusively and respectfully, to respond evenly and friendly to the most sensational confessions, not to enter the room without knocking. Try it - it really helps.

You can often hear parents of teenagers complain that they repeatedly caught their child in a lie. Usually this is a seemingly innocent lie that, for example, he brushed his teeth, or that nothing was asked at school, as well as boasting and misrepresenting events in order to show his best side.

The result is that parents are suspicious of everything that the child says, they begin to distrust him and double-check what he has said, which does not at all contribute to strengthening the parent-child relationship. But how in this case to respond to lies?

Let's understand the reasons. Psychologists cite many reasons why children lie: to “cover up the traces” of their negative actions, avoid what they don’t want to do by copying their classmates so as not to offend the interlocutor. For example, not wanting to talk to his grandmother on the phone, a teenager, instead of saying it directly, may complain about a bad connection. Often, not wanting to take responsibility for their actions, it is easier for them to lie than to tell the truth.

Some teenagers are used to telling half-truths or exaggerating, thus trying to get what they want or get out of an unpleasant situation. Sometimes, just like adults, teenagers lie because the truth seems to them not interesting enough. This is a way to increase your importance, to become more attractive in the eyes of others, to get support. Also behind the lies lies the inability to solve problems differently.

Why is the child lying to you? During adolescence, socialization is very important for a child. Simply put, he is very dependent on the opinions of his peers and it is important for him to “fit in” with the company. Because of all their strength, they try to appear stronger and cooler than they really are. In addition, serious physiological changes occur in the body, an active interest in the opposite sex appears, concentration of attention and the desire to learn decrease. All this leads to misunderstanding and sometimes excessive pressure from parents. And as a result - to stress.

In lies, teenagers see an opportunity to make their lives easier and get rid of stress for a while. Psychologists say: if a child sometimes lies on trifles, keeps silent and gets out - you should not make a tragedy out of this. If a lie becomes chronic, it must be dealt with. But most likely not in the way you think.

How to deal with lies? The most reliable prevention of lies is the atmosphere of trust between parents and children. , and not reading notations that lying is bad. As a rule, a lie hides behind itself the fear of being misunderstood, ridiculed, the fear of being scolded. If you have a habit of criticizing your child all the time instead of trying to talk, he is more likely to lie to you.

The cure for lies is honest conversation. Try to talk to your child in a calm tone without accusations and lectures. Try to understand what worries him, what problems he is trying to solve in this way: to avoid trouble, to keep friends, maybe he is afraid of offending someone. When the child starts talking, listen very carefully, do not criticize or laugh, try to understand the essence of the problem and invite the child to look for a way out of the situation together.

Don't give your child advice unless he asks you to. Children in adolescence are not inclined to listen to the opinion of their parents. Therefore, ready-made solutions that you offer him to get out of the situation will not bring any benefit. It is better to ask the child leading questions during the conversation: what he thinks about this situation, what solutions he sees, whether he considers the only thing right, how he acted, were there any other options, etc. Let him find the right solution himself.

Be sure to show your child that you are on his side. that you love him and do not consider him a bad person, even if you do not agree with some of his actions. Sometimes it is enough for a child to simply speak out to be listened to attentively and sympathetically.

Lies for the sake of lies. If your child isn't lying to avoid trouble or because they're having problems, dig deeper to figure out what's going on. Again, it's best to ask directly: “You said you didn't know where my phone was, and I found it in your room. Can you explain why you said that?" Or when a teenager tells tall tales and exaggerates what is happening: “I liked your story, but then you began to tell something unreal. Why are you exaggerating like that?"

The main thing is that all this should not sound in an accusatory tone, but as a sincere interest. You may not get a response. Or the teenager will just shrug. But you made it clear to the child, without lectures and lectures that lead to conflicts and isolation, that you know about his lies, and deception will not give him the opportunity to get what he wants.

In order for a child to stop lying, he must understand: he has other options for getting out of the situation, as well as your support and understanding.

Also, be sure to know

Every parent has experienced lies from their children. But if at an early age it looked like an innocent game and fantasy, then in adolescence, hiding the truth can have more serious grounds and consequences.

At what age do children start lying?

• At the age of 3-4 years children's thinking is already sufficiently developed in order to come up with unrealistic situations and fantasize. At this age, such behavior can hardly be called deception, because it is part of the formation of the psyche. Toddlers talk about things that do not correspond to the truth, quite openly and without malicious intent, without fear of punishment.
• After 4 years Toddlers already know how to distinguish between good and bad. Therefore, violating the prohibitions of parents and others, they may try to cheat and tell lies in order to avoid punishment or condemnation.
• From 5 to 7 years old Children are already well aware of the behavior of others. Seeing how adults tell lies, they imitate others and adopt such behavior on themselves, considering it to be the norm. If a child began to lie at that age, parents need to explain in a soft or playful way why it is impossible to lie in order to prevent pathological lies at an older age.
• At 13-14 years old the transition to adulthood begins. By this moment, they clearly develop a picture of the perception of the world and choose a certain line of behavior in life. In such a difficult period, an incorrectly formed attitude towards honesty can lead to the fact that lying becomes part of the teenager's lifestyle, which can negatively affect adult life.

At this special age, parents need to be especially attentive to children, but not overdo it with control. At the first sign of a lie, you should understand the reasons and help overcome this shortcoming.

Why do many teenagers 13-14 years old constantly lie?

Before scolding a child for lying, it is necessary to find out the reasons for this behavior:

• The need for independence

Adolescents most often consider themselves already quite adults, making independent decisions. This increases their self-esteem and gives an incentive for self-improvement. The ban on certain acts or actions will inevitably lead to the fact that the teenager will begin to tell lies, trying to defend his right. Irritation and punishment will only aggravate the situation, and parents risk completely losing the trust of their child, who will persistently stick to his line.

In such a situation, it is best to assess how harmless the independent actions of a teenager are. If he does unacceptable things, it is necessary to calmly and gently explain that he cannot yet do certain things himself. If necessary, you can offer an alternative.

For example, if a child skips classes, considering study a waste of time, then you can offer him the right to a free day once a month, which he can spend on his hobbies.

• Personal space

Overly ambitious parents who want to raise a child prodigy according to all the canons of education follow not only his studies, but also all activities outside of school. This may relate to friends, hobbies, favorite music. It may seem to someone that a teenager communicates with peers who are unworthy of his level or social status. In such situations, excessive control or punishment for disobedience can lead to the fact that the child closes himself from his parents and begins to lie, protecting his right to privacy.

It is important to listen to the wishes of the teenager and find a joint solution. There is no need to forbid him music that his parents do not like, because everyone has different tastes. And communication with suspicious friends can be transferred to a home environment, of course, without the intervention of adults. This option will give the right to communicate, and parents will be able to look at his friends.

• Fear of punishment

By the age of 13-14, children already understand that they will be punished for bad behavior. Trying to avoid trouble, teenagers try not to tell or deceive their parents. Most often, at this age, conflicts arise on the basis of poor progress or lack of discipline at school.

You need to understand that a child is not a robot and cannot always cope with the school load. It is completely unfair to penalize for a bad grade without finding out the reasons. It is best to deal with the situation in a calm mood and try not to raise your tone. It would be good for parents to remember that mistakes happen at work, which sometimes adults themselves hide behind lies or omissions.

• Features of temperament

The tendency to fantasize and embellishment is found in many at this age. If a child talks about his successes and is a little cunning, then it is best not to pay attention to this fact at all, but once again praise and show attention. But some children get so into the taste that they can no longer stop and even believe their own lies.

In such a situation, you can ask a few playful questions that will reveal the deceit, but there is no need to scold such behavior: the liar, stumped, will already feel awkward and will think further before coming up with incredible feats.

• Lack of attention

It often happens that teenagers deliberately lie, causing most often a negative reaction. With a lack of attention, children deliberately annoy their parents. If it seems that a son or daughter has become rude and impudent, then in most cases the reason for this is the busyness of parents who have abandoned their children. This situation is often found in families with younger children who receive more attention and care.

How to recognize lies in adolescence?

Despite the fact that children of 13-14 years old are already quite smart and quick-witted, it is not difficult to recognize a lie by asking a couple of clarifying questions. The deceiver will quickly get confused in the details and confused.

There are many non-verbal ways to recognize a lie during a conversation:

• The deceiver looks away, looks up at the ceiling.
• Involuntarily covers mouth with hands or fingers.
• Touches the tip of the nose.
• Tears the earlobe.
• He scratches his neck and pulls his hair.
• Stands in a closed posture with legs crossed.

All these movements are very unnatural for calm behavior. Many of these gestures persist into adulthood.

Family psychotherapist Olga Troitskaya, believes that isolated cases of lies are quite normal for both adults and the younger generation. She notes the fact that parents, irritated by disobedience and regular deceit, do not think about the feelings of their son or daughter in a fit of their anger. A teenager’s lies are rarely caused by a happy event; rather, a nuisance is hidden behind it, which he does not want to talk about. Knowing that lying is bad, many children already experience tremendous discomfort, which is exacerbated by the irritation of their parents. In order to calmly resolve the problem, you need to put yourself in the place of your child and try first of all to bring him to peace of mind, and then analyze the situation.

Psychologist Anton Sorin focuses on that lack of attention is one of the main causes of teenage lies. At the same time, he draws attention to the fact that overprotection and authoritarian control are not manifestations of attention.

How to Deal with a Cheating Teen:

1. Talk about lies should start , being in a calm balanced state, having previously considered the questions that will be asked.
2. In order not to offend a teenager , do not push him away from communication, you can pre-record your questions on the recorder and listen - perhaps some of the wording may sound tactless.
3. Before starting a conversation, make sure that the child is in a calm mood, there is no overexcitation or fatigue.
4. It is better to start a conversation with phrases which will make it clear that the parent is benevolent. For example, "Listen, they say that ..." or "Is it true that they told me ...". Such phrases will help the deceiver to begin to state the situation himself, and not to pull information out of him.
5. Finding out the reason for which the teenager lied, it is necessary to show him your sympathy and willingness to help. For example, the phrase "Let's think together how to do ...".
6. If punishment is inevitable , then it would be nice to express your regret: “I'm sorry, but I have to limit you to ...” It is better not to use phrases with the word “punishment” in this case.
7. At the end of the conversation express sincere hope that the situation will be corrected: “You will succeed”, “I believe that you will be able to next time ...”.

No need to make a tragedy when you find out about the deception of a child. Many adults also lie in everyday life, setting a bad example. In order to solve the problem of lies and not lose the trust of your children, you just need to learn to listen to them and become their reliable friend.

Parents, faced with children's lies, perceive it as a personal insult. Under the power of emotions, they do not know what to do if the child is lying? This is where a number of mistakes are made that can only aggravate the situation.

Before eradicating deception, it is necessary to understand the causes of its occurrence. Each age has its own reasons.

Until the age of 2, a child is not capable of lying. His conceptual range is too small, and his thinking is not sufficiently formed to predict the benefits derived from deception. However, even at such an early age, a child may unwittingly tell lies. Why is the child lying?

It is not uncommon for young children to accuse one of the parents of something that he did not do. They do this under the pressure of another adult, not fully understanding what is at stake, wanting to please the adult.

If mom asks if dad talked to other aunts in her absence. The child confirms this, regardless of whether he saw at least one aunt during this time or not. At this age, the child does not fully understand when and why dad had to talk to aunts, but he clearly understands what kind of answer mom is trying to achieve. He loves his mother and trusts her, so he answers all questions in the affirmative.

Sometimes you can hear from a child that a helicopter flew into their kindergarten, or a fox came into the house. Some parents wonder why children lie. Don't worry. At an early age, children are not able to distinguish their fantasies and dreams from reality, so they often get confused in them. Do not dismiss children's fantasies, but do not try to catch a lie. Help to understand the concepts of "fairy tale", "fantasy", "dream". Do not demand from the child to give up fantasies and do not separate truth from fiction for him. It is enough to tell that there is reality, and there is a world of dreams. The rest he will figure out himself.

All facets of truth and lies

Paul Ekman, a psychologist who specializes in the study of lies, claims that by the age of 4, children are able to lie with intent. But not always a lie is associated with the formation of negative character traits. An attempt to lie is a sign of increased intelligence and “probing” the boundaries of what is permitted.

Quite often, preschoolers and younger students cheat only because they cannot understand the rules set by adults.

The girl's adoptive mother was hysterical because she lied all the time that it was not her. At the same time, the woman stated that they had sweets in the public domain, that they could be taken at any time without asking. That the eldest, own daughter is normal, and the adopted one grows up as a “quiet woman”, since she takes sweets only when no one is watching. It never occurred to the mother that the child was embarrassed to take sweets in front of everyone, and then was afraid to admit it. But did the girl steal if there was no ban on taking these sweets? And why was the eldest daughter never interrogated, and the youngest was always forced to answer for sweets? In this situation, the lie was not only the salvation of the girl from the inevitable "puzzle", but also a protection from an incomprehensible situation. She did not understand whether it was possible to take sweets. Therefore, just in case, she denied everything.

Another reason why children lie is because they don't want to be known as sneaks.

The little girl didn't call for help when the neighbor boy slammed her head against the wall with all his might. She knew that it was not good to tell a story, so she did not run home to the protection of her parents. She knew that it was unworthy to show weakness, so she did not call her friends for help. When her friends, who repeatedly condemned the sneak, brought her mother to the rescue, the girl was very surprised. When asked by her mother, she stated that she was not in pain. Would this girl call for help if her friends needed it, or would she remain silent, afraid of being a sneak? This question makes you think about many things.

A small child has already begun to master the norms of social behavior and realized that it is not always possible to tell the truth. You can't tell a woman that she doesn't look good, you can't tell an old man that he's going to die soon. You can’t betray friends, because no one likes a sneak.

So that the child does not get confused, explain to him when telling the truth is not necessary and even harmful, and when it is simply necessary. It is better to betray a friend than to put his life in danger. Explain in what situations it is impossible to remain silent or deceive, not wanting to betray friends. If friends were taken away by unfamiliar adults, if a friend got into trouble (fell into a hole, made a fire), if a friend conceived an event that could threaten him, for example, going into the forest without supervision. Explain that a sneak is someone who benefits from what is said. And true friendship cannot blindly follow the rules. It is always necessary to decide what will harm a friend more: from the truth, or from a lie. The advice of a psychologist can help with this.

How to respond to lies?

If a child constantly lies, how to deal with it? First, find out the motives for cheating. The most common reasons why children lie to their parents are:

• Fear. This is a standard defensive reaction. Here it is important to explain to the child that lying itself is worse than a misdemeanor, that lying leads to a loss of trust between loved ones. Set the punishment for misconduct lighter than for cheating.
• Shame. The child has made a mistake. He would be glad to confess, but he is ashamed. If you know what the offense is, don't force the child to tell the truth. It is more important here to maintain a trusting relationship and explain to the child that you are on his side and are always ready to help in a difficult situation. His gratitude will serve as a good guideline for him in the future.
• . To say that you are sick so that difficult work is done for you, without being required to show the diary, is a great temptation for a child. Often, younger students have serious somatic symptoms as a response to a stressful situation. Most often, these are stomach problems: pain, nausea, vomiting. If a child often exhibits such phenomena, it is important to find out if everything is in order in his studies, in communication with peers and teachers. Often, a change in class, school, or easing of requirements save the baby from the disease. But overprotection can make a child a "professional patient." Therefore, show increased attention in moments of crisis, but with an obvious improvement, reduce the amount of care. Focus your child's attention on how good it is to be healthy, you can play football or chat with friends.
• If children lie out of a desire to look better, it is necessary to explain to them that all people have different material wealth. That the phone should perform certain functions, but should not serve as a measure of human dignity. Tell stories where a boastful child got into difficult situations, how an expensive mobile phone was taken away from a neighbor’s boy, and he himself was beaten, and the parents of a girl who posted her photos with a bunch of souvenir money on the Internet were robbed. Children should understand that their boasting can bring trouble on them or on their loved ones.
• The desire to get what you want or praise. The child lies that he is going to a disco not far from home, while he goes to a neighboring village. Brother babysits his younger sister only because his mother will praise him for it. In the first case, lying can lead to misfortune, so adults need to decide what is more important - to insist on the ban, or to always know where the child is. In the second, the child may grow up to be a sycophant. If you notice such lies, try to praise the child more often in the future for things that are not related to babysitting.
• Protecting a friend. The child may lie that he did not see who broke the glass, soiled the teacher's chair, painted the walls. Do not scold when a child lies out of nobility. Explain that the teacher is on a small salary and ruined clothes will undermine her budget. That repairs will have to spend money and someone's work. Do not force the child to betray a friend, but make him think about how this act is right and fair in relation to others.

Why do teenagers lie?

In adolescence, new reasons for lying arise. Why is a teenager lying? First of all, this is due to the desire to defend the right to personal space.

A teenager can lie about where he was, with whom he spent time, just because he wants to get rid of the total control of adults. The more persistent the questions, the more active the resistance. He just doesn't want to account for anything.

Your teenager is lying to you, what should you do? So that the situation does not escalate into a conflict, and in order not to force the child to lie, you need to recognize his right to have secrets. However, it is necessary to clearly distinguish between areas where he can not tell his parents anything about his life, and where this should not be done. Explain to your child why it is so important for you to know where and with whom he will be, as well as the time at which he plans to return. This is directly related to its security. Explain that you will not be able to help him if trouble happens. Besides, you are worried about him. Like a loving child, he should relieve you of your worries.

If at the same time you give enough freedom in the rest, then the teenager will make a deal with you without much resistance. He loves you and doesn't want to upset you. He just wants more independence.

Another area in which teenagers lie is. Try not to intrude too much into this area, but don't neglect asking questions either. Girls often do not admit to their mothers that they have had sexual intercourse, explaining this by the fact that they were not asked about it. However, if asked directly, they may become withdrawn. Therefore, it is better to talk with your daughter, tell what dangers lurk along this path, and what you can do in a given situation. Don't intimidate her with punishment. Make it clear, no matter what happens, you will understand and support her. This will avoid many tragic events.

All the psychologist's advice about children's lies in total boils down to one thing: build trust between you and the child. Children, fearing to lose this trust, often prefer to tell the truth and suffer a well-deserved punishment than to lie. However, the punishment should not be too severe so as not to encourage the child to lie. Do not overestimate the requirements, do not encroach on the freedom of the child, do not humiliate and be on his side. Learn to solve problems, not hide from them behind lies.