Susan David emotional flexibility. Emotional Flexibility Read Online - Susan David About Emotional Flexibility Susan David

A non-obvious approach to realizing your potential, called Idea of the Year by Harvard Business Review.

Susan David developed the HBR Idea of the Year Concept of Emotional Flexibility after 20 years of studying emotions. She found that neither intelligence, nor creativity, nor personality type determines success. It's all about how you own the inner world - thoughts, feelings, inner dialogue.

A growing body of scientific research shows that emotional rigidity - “fixation” on thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that don't benefit us - is associated with a range of psychological problems, including depression and anxiety. In contrast, emotional flexibility - the flexibility of thoughts and feelings that allows you to respond optimally to everyday situations - leads to well-being and success.

Emotionally flexible people are dynamic. They know how to adapt to a complex and rapidly changing world. They endure tremendous stress and overcome difficulties without losing their passion, openness and sensitivity. They don't let negative feelings unsettle them; on the contrary, they only go more confidently - together with all their "cockroaches" - to the most ambitious goals.

This book will help you become more aware of your emotions, learn to accept them and live with them in peace, and then reach the peak of your development - all through increased emotional flexibility. She will not turn you into the ideal hero who does not speak a single word out of place and who never suffers from feelings of shame, guilt, anger, anxiety or insecurity. But you will find an approach to your most difficult experiences, learn to enjoy the relationship and achieve your goals.

Who is this book for?

For leaders, managers, psychologists, coaches and anyone interested in the topics of emotional intelligence and self-improvement.

Expand Description Collapse description

Chapter: ,

Age restrictions: +
Book language:
Original language:
Translator (s):
Publisher:
Publishing city: Moscow
The year of publishing:
ISBN: 978-5-00100-733-3
The size: 0b

Attention! You are downloading an excerpt from the book that is permitted by law and the copyright holder (no more than 20% of the text).
After reading the excerpt, you will be prompted to go to the copyright holder's website and purchase the full version of the work.

Business book description:

In this book, you will find a description of the techniques and tools that will allow you to find an approach to your most difficult experiences, understand what defeatist thoughts and behaviors are limiting you, learn to adapt to a complex and rapidly changing world and not let negative feelings unsettle you. You will begin to enjoy the relationship and move more confidently - along with all your "cockroaches" - to the most ambitious goals.

Published in Russian for the first time.

The presented fragment of the book was posted by agreement with the distributor of legal content LLC "Liters" (no more than 20% of the original text). If you believe that the posting of the material violates your or someone else's rights, then.

Emotional flexibility Susan David

(No ratings yet)

Title: Emotional Flexibility
By Susan David
Year: 2016
Genre: Foreign psychology, Self-development, personal growth, Self-improvement

About Emotional Flexibility by Susan David

Published in Russian for the first time.

On our website about books lifeinbooks.net you can download for free without registration or read the online book "Emotional Flexibility" by Susan David in epub, fb2, txt, rtf, pdf formats for iPad, iPhone, Android and Kindle. The book will give you a lot of pleasant moments and real pleasure from reading. You can buy the full version from our partner. Also, here you will find the latest news from the literary world, find out the biography of your favorite authors. For novice writers, there is a separate section with useful tips and advice, interesting articles, thanks to which you yourself can try your hand at literary skill.

Susan David

Emotional flexibility.

How to learn to enjoy change and enjoy work and life

Published with permission from Avery, an imprint of Penguin Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form whatsoever without the written permission of the copyright holders.

This edition published by arrangement with Avery, an imprint of Penguin Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC.

Dedicated to Anthony - the love of my life - and my dear Noah and Sophie, who can dance every day

Chapter 1. From Rigidity to Flexibility

Once, during the Titanic (not a movie, but a ship), a brave captain of the British navy, standing on the bridge of his ship, admired the sunset. He was about to go down to the wardroom for lunch, when suddenly the lookout reported:

“Lights ahead, sir. Two miles from us.

The captain returned to the helm.

- Moving or standing still? He asked the lookout, because radar had not yet been invented at that time.

- They are, sir.

“Then send a signal,” the captain ordered impatiently. “You are on a collision course. Change course twenty degrees. "

The answer came in a few seconds.

The captain was offended: not only are they insolently arguing with him, but also in the presence of a junior in rank!

- Answer! He snapped. “I am the captain of the Royal Navy ship Defiant, a dreadnought with a displacement of thirty-five thousand tons. Change course twenty degrees. "

- Very happy for you, sir. I'm O'Reilly's second class sailor. Change course immediately.

The captain, turning purple with anger, yelled:

“This is the flagship of Admiral William Atkinson-Wills! CHANGE THE COURSE BY TWENTY DEGREES!

After a pause, the sailor O'Reilly said:

“This is the lighthouse, sir.

As we sail the ocean of life, we rarely know for sure which course to follow and what lies ahead. Lighthouses do not light the way for us to protect us in turbulent relationships. We do not have a lookout on the tank or radar in the captain's cabin to spot reefs in time that could dash our career hopes. But we can experience a variety of emotions: fear and anxiety, joy and delight, and this neurochemical system helps us navigate the changing currents of life's waters.

Emotions, from fierce rage to hidden tenderness, are an instant physiological response to important signals from the outside world. When our senses perceive information - a sign of danger, a hint of romantic interest from a member of the opposite sex, evidence of acceptance or alienation by a group - our body adjusts to the signals it receives: the heartbeat quickens or slows down, muscles tense or relax, consciousness focuses on the threat or calms down in company of a loved one.

Due to the fact that our response is clothed in "flesh and blood", both our inner state and behavior are synchronized with the situation, which allows us not only to survive, but to achieve success. Like the beacon that sailor O'Reilly served, our natural orientation system, which evolution has evolved over millions of years through trial and error, serves us better when we don't argue with it.

But it can be difficult, because emotions cannot always be relied upon. Sometimes, like some kind of radar, they help us to distinguish what is hidden behind insincerity or pretense, and to understand exactly what is happening in reality. Which of us has not been prompted by our instincts: "This guy is lying" or "even though a friend says that everything is all right with her, something worries her"?

However, in other cases, emotions stir up our past and mix up unpleasant memories with our perception of reality. Such strong feelings can completely take possession of us, cloud our consciousness and hurl us right onto the reefs. Then we lose control of ourselves and, for example, throw the contents of our glass in the face of the offender.

Of course, adults, experiencing emotions, as a rule, avoid such a demonstration of them, after which they have to make amends for almost years. Most likely, you will "produce a controlled explosion" of emotions within yourself. Many live on emotional autopilot almost permanently, without choosing or even realizing their own reactions to circumstances. Others are acutely aware that they are spending enormous energy on containing and suppressing their emotions, and at best they perceive them as disobedient children, at worst - as a threat to their well-being. Still others are convinced that emotions prevent them from living the way they would like, especially when it comes to unwanted emotions such as anger, shame or anxiety. Gradually, the reaction to signals from the outside world becomes increasingly weak and inadequate, and emotions lead us off course, instead of acting in our best interests.

Psychologist and business coach Susan David has spent over twenty years studying emotions and how we interact with them. She found that neither intelligence, nor creativity, nor personality type determines success. It's all about how we control our inner world - thoughts, feelings, and how we conduct an internal dialogue. Her concept was dubbed Emotional Flexibility and was voted Idea of the Year by Harvard Business Review in 2016. In this book, you will find a description of the techniques and tools that will allow you to find an approach to your most difficult experiences, understand what defeatist thoughts and behaviors are limiting you, learn to adapt to a complex and rapidly changing world and not let negative feelings unsettle you. You will begin to enjoy the relationship and move more confidently - along with all your "cockroaches" - to the most ambitious goals. Published in Russian for the first time.

Published with permission from Avery, an imprint of Penguin Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form whatsoever without the written permission of the copyright holders.

This edition published by arrangement with Avery, an imprint of Penguin Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC.

Dedicated to Anthony - the love of my life - and my dear Noah and Sophie, who can dance every day

Chapter 1. From Rigidity to Flexibility

“Lights ahead, sir. Two miles from us.

The captain returned to the helm.

- Moving or standing still? He asked the lookout, because radar had not yet been invented at that time.

- They are, sir.

“Then send a signal,” the captain ordered impatiently. “You are on a collision course. Change course twenty degrees. "

The answer came in a few seconds.

The captain was offended: not only are they insolently arguing with him, but also in the presence of a junior in rank!

- Answer! He snapped. “I am the captain of the Royal Navy ship Defiant, a dreadnought with a displacement of thirty-five thousand tons. Change course twenty degrees. "

- Very happy for you, sir. I'm O'Reilly's second class sailor. Change course immediately.

The captain, turning purple with anger, yelled:

“This is the flagship of Admiral William Atkinson-Wills! CHANGE THE COURSE BY TWENTY DEGREES!

After a pause, the sailor O'Reilly said:

“This is the lighthouse, sir.

As a psychologist and business coach, I have been studying emotions and our interaction with them for over twenty years. Often my clients, when I ask them how long they have been trying to establish contact, cope with or come to terms with their most difficult emotions, answer: for five, ten or twenty years. Some even say, "From childhood."

After that, all I have to do is ask: "How do you think you are doing?"

In this book, I will try to help you become more aware of your emotions, learn to accept and live with them in peace, and then begin to succeed - all through increased emotional flexibility. The techniques and tools that I offer will not turn you into the ideal hero who does not speak a single word out of place and who never suffers from feelings of shame, guilt, anger, anxiety or insecurity. The pursuit of absolute perfection, like absolute happiness, only leads to disappointment and failure. Instead, I hope with my help you will find an approach to your most difficult experiences, learn to enjoy the relationship, achieve your goals, and generally live your best.

But this is only the "emotional" component of emotional flexibility. Flexibility also affects thought and behavior - the very same mind and body habits that can prevent you from reaching your potential, especially if you, like the captain of the Defiant dreadnought, stubbornly adhere to the same reactions even in new and unfamiliar situations ...

An inflexible reaction can be caused by the fact that you believe in defeatist myths, which you retell to yourself over and over again: “I will never succeed”, “I will always blurt out something wrong!”, “I always give up when I need to stand up for what I deserve. " Inflexibility is caused by a perfectly normal habit of choosing the shortest paths in thinking and relying on assumptions and practical conclusions that may have helped you earlier - in childhood, in your first marriage, at the beginning of your career - but have already lost their usefulness: "You can not trust anyone." , "I will be punished for this."

A growing body of scientific research shows that emotional inflexibility - being “wedged” in thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that don't benefit us - leads to a range of psychological problems, including depression and anxiety. In contrast, emotional flexibility - the flexibility of thoughts and feelings that allows you to respond optimally to everyday situations - leads to well-being and success.

Still, developing emotional flexibility doesn't mean controlling your thoughts or forcing yourself to "think positively." The fact is that scientific research also shows that it is usually not possible to reorient a person by force from negative thinking ("Oh, I will screw up this presentation!") only worse.

What emotional flexibility really implies is the ability to relax, let go of anxiety, and live more consciously. It's about choosing your own reaction to the signals of your emotional alert system. It's about the approach described by Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist who went through a Nazi concentration camp. In Man's Search for Meaning, he explains how to live a more meaningful life in order to fulfill your potential. There is a gap between the stimulus and the reaction, and in this gap a person has freedom of choice. Choosing how to react to the stimulus, he realizes his opportunity for development and his freedom. Emotional flexibility refers precisely to this gap between the feelings that the situation arouses in you and your behavior based on those feelings. Experience has shown that emotional flexibility helps people cope with a variety of problems: from low self-esteem to a broken heart, from anxiety to depression, from procrastination to major life changes, and so on. But it is important not only for those experiencing emotional difficulties. Emotional flexibility is based on various elements of psychological science, exploring the personality traits of successful, self-realized people - including those who, like Frankl, went through an extremely difficult period, subsequently achieved tremendous success.

Emotionally flexible people are dynamic. They know how to adapt to a complex and rapidly changing world. They endure tremendous stress and overcome difficulties without losing their passion, openness and sensitivity. They recognize that life is not always easy, but they remain true to their own values and continue to pursue ambitious and long-term goals. It happens that they get angry, upset, etc. (like all of us!), But they treat such emotions with interest and understanding and in the end they accept them. Emotionally flexible people prevent negative feelings from unsettling them; on the contrary, they only go more confidently - together with all their "cockroaches" - to the most ambitious goals.

Emotional flexibility and, in general, adaptability, I became interested in as a child. I grew up in South Africa during the apartheid era - the violent segregation of the black population; at the time, the average South African was more likely to be robbed or raped than to learn to read. Government forces drove people out of their homes and tortured them; the police shot at those who were just going to church. From childhood, representatives of different races were divided in all spheres of society: we went to different schools, restaurants, cinemas, even toilets. And although I, a white girl, did not experience what the black South Africans suffered from, my friends and I could not help but see what was happening around us. My friend was the victim of a gang rape. My uncle was killed. So from an early age I paid attention to how people cope (or not cope) with the cruelty and chaos around them.

When I was sixteen, my father, then only forty-two, was diagnosed with cancer and told that he had only a few months to live. I endured it very hard, and most importantly, alone: few adults I could trust, and none of my peers experienced anything like this.

Fortunately, I had a very helpful English teacher. She told us to keep a diary where we could write about anything, the main thing is to take it for verification every day. At some point, I began to write in my diary about my father's illness, then about his death. The teacher sensitively commented on my notes and was interested in my experiences. The diary became my main support, and I soon realized that these records help me to express and realize my feelings and deal with them. I grieved as before, but the diary made the experience less painful. Also, keeping a journal helped me understand how important it is to accept and consider difficult emotions, and not try to avoid them, and suggested a future profession.

Fortunately, apartheid in South Africa is already a thing of the past, and although we are not spared from horror and grief, most of you reading this book do not have a constant fear of institutionalized violence and oppression. But even in the relatively peaceful and prosperous United States, where I have lived for more than ten years, so many people fail to cope with difficulties and live to their fullest potential. Almost all of my acquaintances experience constant stress, they are overwhelmed by the demands of work, family, health, finances, and other personal problems - not to mention such factors on the scale of the whole society as economic instability, a frantic pace of cultural change and an endless onslaught. new technologies that are constantly transforming our lives, preventing us from focusing.

Meanwhile, the ability to do several things at once, which is considered almost a panacea for an overabundance of work and impressions, does not bring relief. Recently, one study found that the effect of multitasking on productivity was comparable to the effect of alcohol on driving ability. Other studies show that moderate daily stress (a child remembers at the last minute that he has not got breakfast for school, his cell phone runs out just when you need to connect to an important video conference, the train is always late, and the mountain of bills keeps growing) can prematurely age the brain cells by ten years.

Almost all clients complain to me that, in the rhythm of modern life, they feel like they are hooked and fight like a fish that has been pulled out of water. They would like to take more from life: travel around the world, get married, complete a project, start their own business, take care of their health, build strong relationships with family and children. However, what they do from day to day does not at all bring them closer to what they want (moreover, it often does not correlate with it at all). No matter how much they try to find and bring into their life what they like and close, each time they are limited not only by actual circumstances, but also by their own defeatist thoughts and lines of behavior. And those of my clients who have children are incessantly worried about how the stress and stress of their parents affects them. If you're waiting for the right moment to develop emotional flexibility, that moment has come. When the ground is constantly slipping from under your feet, you need to be agile and quick to maintain balance.

Rigidity or Flexibility?

At the age of five, I decided to run away from home. I was offended by my parents, I no longer remember why, but at that moment it seemed to me that the only reasonable decision would be to leave my father's house. I carefully packed my backpack, grabbed a can of peanut butter and a piece of bread from the closet, put on my favorite red and white ladybug sandals and set off in search of freedom.

There was a busy road near our house in Johannesburg, and my parents strongly instilled in me that I should never, under any circumstances, cross the street alone. And now, approaching the turn, I realized that it is absolutely impossible to go further into a huge unknown world. Crossing the road was unthinkable - period. So I acted like any obedient five-year-old fugitive who was not allowed to cross the road - I walked around my block. Then again, and again, and again. Before my rebellion ended ingloriously by returning home, I wound circles around the block for several hours, passing my own door over and over again.

One way or another, we all do the same. We walk (or run) in circles around the same quarters of our lives, obeying written, unwritten, or even imaginary rules, falling on the hook of a way of thinking and acting that does not benefit us. I often say that we move like clockwork toys - we stumble upon the same walls, not realizing that there may be an open door a little to the right or to the left.

Even if we admit that we are on the hook and are looking for help, the people we turn to - relatives, friends, friendly bosses, psychotherapists - cannot always help us out. They have their own problems and concerns and their disadvantages.

Meanwhile, consumer culture maintains in us the idea that almost everything that does not suit us can be controlled or corrected, and if it does not work out, it can be thrown away or replaced. Is your relationship unsuccessful? Find another partner. Not being productive enough? Use a dedicated app. And when we do not like what is happening in our inner world, we approach it with the same logic. We go shopping, change therapist, or simply decide to “think positively” in order to cope with unpleasant experiences and dissatisfaction on our own.

Unfortunately, such remedies are not helpful. When we try to "fix" unpleasant thoughts and feelings, we become obsessed with them. When we try to suppress them, it leads to other problems - from useless activities to seeking solace in a variety of addictions. And an attempt to switch from negative to positive practically guarantees a worsening of the condition.

Many people look for solutions to their emotional problems in books or courses on self-development, but the problem is that often such programs are completely wrong to work on themselves. Especially far from reality are those that call for positive thinking. It is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to inspire joyful thoughts by force: few people manage to simply “turn off” negative thoughts and replace them with more pleasant ones. It also misses an important point: often, so-called negative emotions actually benefit you.

Moreover, negative experiences are normal. We are so made up that sometimes we experience negative emotions. This is human nature. And the over-emphasis on positive thinking is another radical means by which our culture tries to combat normal fluctuations in emotions, just as society sometimes rushes to treat children with hyperactivity or mood swings in women with pills.

Through twenty years of consulting, coaching, and research, I have formulated and practiced the principles of emotional flexibility to help my many clients achieve more in life. Among them are mothers who tried to deal with family and work at the same time and felt cornered; UN ambassadors fighting for childhood vaccinations in countries under martial law; leaders of huge transnational corporations and just people who believe that they have not yet experienced everything in life.

I published some of my findings in the Harvard Business Review. I wrote that the vast majority of my clients and myself tend to fall on the hook of rigid, negative patterns of thinking and behavior, and I told how this happens. Then I described a model for increasing emotional flexibility that allows you to break free of these patterns and bring about successful and lasting change in your life. The article remained among the most popular publications in the Harvard Business Review for several months; in a short time, it was downloaded by almost a quarter of a million users - and this is the total circulation of the printed version of the magazine. HBR has declared emotional flexibility "Idea of the Year in Management," and other publications have taken up the theme, including the Wall Street Journal, Forbes and Fast Company. Journalists argued that emotional flexibility is a "new emotional intelligence", a breakthrough idea that will change the way society thinks about emotions. I'm not talking about this to brag, but because the response to my article clearly showed: it hit the mark. It turned out that millions of people are looking for new ways.

In this book, the materials, research and proposals described in the article have been significantly expanded and supplemented. But before we get into specifics, let's take a look at the big picture so that you understand where I am heading.

Emotional flexibility is a process that allows you to live in the present by understanding when you need or not need to change your behavior in order to stay in line with your intentions and values. This process does not mean that you ignore difficult feelings and thoughts. No, you just stop clinging to them, look at them without fear or criticism, and then accept them in order to allow grandiose changes for the better into your life.

Developing emotional flexibility takes place in four steps. Here's what you need to do.

Turn to face yourself

Woody Allen is credited with the aphorism: "Eighty percent of success is to turn your face in the right direction." And emotional flexibility begins with turning to face yourself - consciously, with interest and without prejudice to look at your thoughts, emotions and behavior. You will find that some of these thoughts and feelings have a basis and correspond to the situation - and some are stuck in your psyche for unknown when and why, like a pop song that is spinning in your head for weeks.

But regardless of whether they reflect reality or dangerously distort, these thoughts and feelings are part of our personality, and we can learn to work with them without becoming their slaves.

To distance

The next step after you have looked into your thoughts and feelings is to separate them from yourself and consider them with an open mind: you are thinking about this and experiencing this, but you are not your thoughts and feelings. This creates the very gap between feelings and reactions to them, a gap in which there is no judgment and prejudice. If there is this gap, we manage to realize complex and unpleasant emotions immediately at the moment of their appearance and choose how to react to them. Observation from the outside does not allow fleeting experiences to gain the upper hand over us.

Distancing ourselves, we discover a broader picture of what is happening - we learn to see ourselves as a chessboard on which countless games can be played, and not as a piece with a strictly limited set of moves.

Go your own way

So, you have arranged and calmed your mental processes and created the necessary gap between yourself and your thoughts. You can now focus on what truly defines your personality — your core values and core goals. When we identify and acknowledge frightening, painful, or destructive emotional experiences in ourselves, and then move away from them, we get the opportunity to engage the part of ourselves that looks to the future - integrates our thinking and emotions with long-term goals and desires and helps to find new ones. better ways to implement them.

You make thousands of decisions every day. Should I go to the gym after work or is it better to go to the bar, there are just "happy hours"? To pick up or not to pick up the phone if a friend who you are offended calls? These moments of making small decisions I call selection points... At these points, your main values, like a compass, point you in the right direction and prevent you from going astray.

Move forward

Correction principle

As a rule, personal development programs portray the coming changes in life as achieving ambitious goals and a complete transformation of a person. However, research shows that in reality, the biggest impact on your life is the small, conscious changes you make in alignment with your values. This is especially noticeable when it comes to adjusting the usual, everyday elements of life - the effect of repeated repetition accumulates gradually, and as a result, it allows huge changes to occur.

Balancer principle

When we watch the performance of a champion gymnast, it seems to us that complex movements are given to her without any effort. It's all about her flexibility and developed stabilizing muscles - the so-called muscle corset. If external influences unbalance the athlete, stabilizing muscles help her restore balance. But in order to set records, she must constantly go outside her comfort zone - learn to perform more and more complex movements. It is important for everyone to find their own balance between tasks that require exertion of strength and confidence in their capabilities: so as not to stop at what has been achieved and at the same time not to break under the weight of what has been taken upon themselves, but to rejoice in new tasks, meet them with enthusiasm and be inspired by them.

Entrepreneur Sarah Blakely (founder of the underwear company Spanx, at one time the youngest billionaire in the world who made her own fortune) said that every evening at dinner, the father said to each of the children: "Tell me what you didn’t work out today." Not to offend or humiliate - not at all! In this way, the father encouraged the children to expand their boundaries: after all, when you try something new and complex, it is natural and even useful to face difficulties.

Ultimately, developing emotional flexibility is worth it in order to maintain and strengthen the desire to reach new heights and grow as a person throughout life.

I hope this book serves as a map for you on the road to real behavior change - a new way of acting that will help you live the way you want and turn your most difficult experiences into a source of energy, inspiration and ideas.

Who is this book for?

Chapter: ,

About Emotional Flexibility by Susan David

Read also