The choices you make are determined by your worldview, but there is no doubt that you do not need to make excuses because of your decisions. Here is a list of things that are your personal business.
Religious and political beliefs
IN last years the political situation in the world is becoming more and more aggravated. People hold diametrically opposed views and become disillusioned with religion. Whether you are a Buddhist, Muslim, Christian, or atheist is your personal choice. You can talk openly about your beliefs or be modest about your position in life. You can cast your vote for the candidate you trust the most - your choice does not require excuses. 
Romantic relationship
Don't let other people intrude on your romantic relationship (even if it's close relatives). Only you can feel what kind of person will bring you happiness. You don't have to wait for your friends to approve if you are looking for online dating. You do not need to make excuses to your parents, who have long ago found a "profitable party" for you. Conversely, you don’t need to date someone just because it’s accepted or what others expect of you. 
Loneliness
Perhaps the most frequent complaints and complaints are caused by the absence of a romantic partner. Any of your acquaintances older women will not hesitate to ask if you are going to get married when they meet, and will complain that it is time to think about offspring. People say that a woman's "age" is short-lived, and they begin to feel sorry for you if they find out that you are still alone. You are under massive attack, and family values \u200b\u200bare promoted as the only thing to strive for. The people around you feel sorry for you, but in fact you need to feel sorry for them. They don't know that you enjoy the feeling of freedom, and that makes you a truly happy person. 
No apology
If a person does not feel such a need, he does not need to apologize for something. Insincerity and routine phrases are akin to mockery of your own soul. Every apology like this is misleading to someone who wants to trust you. 
Disagreement
Each of us has an acquaintance or friend who thinks that he is always right. This person considers his opinion to be the ultimate truth and is used to poking his long nose into other people's affairs. He positions himself as an expert on any issue and points out your flaws without a twinge of conscience. You can only be glad that this person is so confident in himself and does not lack self-esteem, but you have every right to express your disagreement with him. Do not shy away from controversy just because it might inconvenience someone. Your opinion should be heard too. 
Refusal to gossip
Gossipers are not very favored in groups, but they still try to rule the ball. Some people tend to obsessively plant their own point of view in the minds of those around them, denigrate their acquaintances, invent non-existent facts and manipulate the minds of the masses. They also try to win over allies and ask you to do your part in spreading rumors. If you join the gossip camp, it can affect your reputation. But refusing to spread rumors will play into your hands. 
Termination of friendship
Friendship always starts out well, but over time it can become a burden. If you have a buddy who is accustomed to living in a big way and uses you as the person who solves all his problems, it is worth ending this connection. True friendship is like a two-way street. You don't have to be an eternal tug, nanny, or lifeline for anyone. You have your own needs that no one else will satisfy but you. Don't let other people manipulate you and don't feel guilty about ending your friendship. 
External appearance
It doesn't matter what color your hair is on your head, whether you're a piercing aficionado or a regular at a tattoo parlor. Your outer appearance is not a subject of discussion with others, as it expresses your inner world. This applies to the style of clothing, the presence or absence of makeup, complexion and other things. If you are comfortable in your body, you should not make excuses for it in front of other people. 
Place of residence
Some people do not think of their life outside the bustle of the city, others, on the contrary, like a measured rural existence. Ignore stereotypes and live where your heart tells you. Why do others care why you live with your parents? No one should judge you without understanding the circumstances of your personal life. 
Career
If you go to work to make more money, there is nothing wrong with that either. Each of us is free to choose the field of our activity without regard to public opinion... You yourself made this choice, weighed all the pros and cons. After all, no one ties you to a certain place for the rest of your days. But if you work in your dream job, you can be called lucky. Even if you do not make a lot of money, your activities are satisfying. Whatever the reason that drives your career, it does not require accountability to others. 
Financial position
Regardless of whether you live on one salary, buy things on credit or deny yourself a vacation, turn a deaf ear to your friends' jokes about your financial well-being. 
The desire to retire
There is a big difference between being alone and suddenly wanting to be alone. Sometimes each of us feels that it is time to put our thoughts in order. You are reading a book, watching your favorite TV series, or simply enjoying the silence with a cup of tea in your hand. 
Parenting methods
No family uses the same parenting methods. This is due to the fact that we all belong to different strata of society, have a different culture, material wealth, worldview and temperament. Each of us has a different vision when it comes to interacting with children. There is no one-size-fits-all advice that would suit all parents without exception. This is why other parents cannot judge your parenting practices. 
Sex life
It is impossible to understand why people want to know what is happening in the bedroom of neighbors, friends or relatives. The only people who are allowed to discuss your sex life are psychotherapists and sexologists. Ignore the curious, ignore their comments and "valuable" advice. 
Life goals
The goal is what inspires you and makes you realize your dream. If anyone has problems with ambition or self-esteem, that's their business. Don't let envious people stand in your way. 
Positive attitude
People who are always smiling and looking for positive in everything will surely meet envious people. And let someone equate your positive attitude with abnormal behavior. You know that your views allow you to walk through life with your head held high.
No one owes nothing to nobody. Forget the word "should". Throw it out of the active vocabulary.
(c) Quote
In 1966, investment analyst Harry Brown wrote a letter to his nine-year-old daughter at Christmas that is still quoted today. He explained to the girl that nothing in this world - not even love - can be taken for granted.
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Hi honey.
It's Christmas time, and my usual problem is which gift to choose. I know what makes you happy - books, games, dresses. But I am very selfish. I want to give you something that will stay with you for more than a few days or even years. I want to give you something that will remind you of me every Christmas. And, you know, I think I chose a gift. I will give you one simple truth that I had to learn for many years. If you understand her now, you will enrich your life with hundreds different ways and this will protect you from a lot of problems in the future.
So: no one owes you anything.
This means that no one lives for you, my child. Because nobody is you. Each person lives for himself. The only thing he can feel is his own. If you understand that no one should organize your happiness, you will free yourself from the expectation of the impossible.
This means that no one is obliged to love you. If someone loves you, then there is something special about you that makes him happy. Find out what it is, try to make it stronger, and then you will be loved even more.
When people do something for you, it only happens because they want to do it themselves. Because there is something about you that is important to them - something that makes them want to please you. But not at all because they owe you. If your friends want to be with you, it's not out of a sense of duty.
Nobody should respect you. And some people won't be kind to you. But the moment you learn that no one is obliged to do you good, and that someone can be unkind to you, you will learn to avoid such people. Because you don't owe them anything either.
Once again: no one owes you anything.
You must become the best for yourself first of all. Because if you succeed, other people will want to be with you, want to give you different things in exchange for what you can give them. And someone does not want to be with you, and the reasons will not be in you at all. If this happens, just look for another relationship. Don't let someone else's problem become yours.
The moment you understand that people around you need to earn money, you will no longer wait for the impossible and you will not be disappointed. Others are not required to share property or thoughts with you. And if they do it, it’s only because you earned it. And then you can be proud of the love that you deserve and the sincere respect of your friends. But you should never take all this for granted. If you do this, you will lose all these people. They are not "rightfully yours." It is necessary to achieve them and "earn" them every day.
I felt like a mountain fell off my shoulders when I realized that no one owes me anything. While I was thinking about what was due, I wasted an awful amount of effort, physical and emotional, to get what I wanted. But no one really owes me good behavior, respect, friendship, politeness, or intelligence. And the moment I realized this, I began to get much more satisfaction from all my relationships. I focused on people,. And it has served me well - with friends, business partners, sweethearts, salespeople, and strangers. I remember all the time that I can get what I need only if I enter the world of my interlocutor. I have to understand how he thinks, what he considers important, what he wants in the end. This is the only way I can get from him something that I need. And only by understanding a person, I can say whether I really need something from him.
It is not easy to summarize in one letter what I have been able to understand over the years. But maybe if you reread this letter every Christmas, its meaning will become a little clearer for you every year.
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In my practice of working with women leaders, the most frequent requests are related to restoring work-home balance, resilience to stress in the workplace and improving relationships (with both colleagues and family members). And most often the conversation begins with the words: "You see, I must ..." or "And I think that he must, and then I ..." or "... They must, but ...".
How often do we hear that we owe something? How often do we ourselves say that someone owes us something? And how often do we keep silent but think so? My practice shows that quite often. We expect something from other people, considering it quite natural that “a real man should” or “a real woman should”. We often see that we become codependent in relationships with other people or people become dependent on us, our energy and strength. We hear that you, "as a leader, must" or you, "as a real daughter, mother, wife, must ...".
Most often, such demands only cause irritation, discontent and even protest. Where do the statements that we owe and owe us come from? And why is the statement “no one owes anything to anyone” good?
Any belief appears in a person based on his condition and life experience. When we talk about the state of a person, we mean a set of properties that are characteristic of this person: state of health, emotional background (mental state), spiritual state, etc. Based on his state, a person acquires this or that experience, is able to perceive and realize what is happening to him. States characterize the person himself as a person (physically, mentally, spiritually), what he brings to the people around him and what he expects from them.
I distinguish three complex states in which a person can be - these are dependence, independence and independence. I'll tell you more about the first and, perhaps, the most unhealthy of them.
Dependence- this is a certain obsessive need that prompts a person to certain non-free actions. There are simple and understandable addictions - for example, on chemicals (alcohol, tobacco, food, drugs), on systems of relationships or sensations (sex, various kinds of extreme, "adrenaline" relationships), etc. From birth and throughout childhood , adolescence, adolescence, we get used to the fact that most of our needs are met by the external environment. The states of addiction are absolutely natural for us, it is from the cradle of addiction that we begin our journey. Then we grow up and quite naturally believe that it is okay to satisfy our needs at the expense of the external environment. We got used to it from birth. Although the external environment for some reason in most cases no longer agree with us. But since we are accustomed and our needs have always been met by our environment, our beliefs come into play. It turns out that "we owe": "a real man must ..." or "a real woman must ...", "a wife must ...", "husband must" ... This list can be continued for a long time. And with surprise, which turns into bewilderment, and sometimes into bitterness of disappointment, we begin to see that not everyone and not always answer us to our "you must".
Over time, you may get the feeling that every year it is more and more difficult to live, and there is less and less joy. At these moments, addictions begin to be felt by a person more and more sharply. Emotional addiction - “Do you love me? No, do you really love? Tell me, do you really love me? " Intellectual addiction - such people begin to surround themselves with a staff of advisers, harass their acquaintances, constantly asking for advice on any occasion. One of the most severe forms of dependence, in my opinion, is codependency, or interdependence - this is a painful state of social, emotional, sometimes even physical dependence of one person on another or two people on each other. There is no love in these relationships, but there are painful “must”, “must”, “how else?”.
For addicted people, often changing self-esteem is characteristic, and more often in the direction of underestimation, self-dislike, sometimes up to hatred, often a feeling of guilt. Such people tend to suppress their anger, which leads to outbursts of uncontrollable aggression. Along with this, addicted people (which is especially characteristic of codependency) tend to focus on others, control them, compulsively offer their help, often ignoring their needs. For codependent people, so-called "frozen" feelings are characteristic - this is a state when almost all emotional experiences are removed from life together, emotions in such pairs are "frozen". As a result of all of the above, addicted people experience severe problems in communicating with other people and in intimate life, isolation, depression, up to suicidal thoughts. Also, addicted people naturally increase the risk of psychosomatic diseases.
Therefore, the first step towards the formation of human integrity can be the understanding that “no one owes anything to anyone”. A holistic, free, harmonious person does something for another, proceeding from his desire and not expecting anything in return. Accordingly, we, as holistic and harmonious people, perceive the actions of another in relation to us as a gift, and not as a duty or obligation.
No one owes nothing to nobody. They say this phrase was invented by psychologists. Now it sounds from every iron and is written on almost every roll of toilet paper. This wonderful expression is designed to free a person from his duties, to make him a free, integral person.
And I am sure that this statement did not come from psychologists. The classics of humanistic psychology would have strangled themselves upon hearing this in every sense an outstanding postulate. And by the level of immorality, and by the level of perversion of the original meaning. I have not read anything like this in any work.
I strongly assume that foreign gurus introduced it. Very recognized and very committed. Goals? There are also goals.
"Nobody owes anything to anyone" very well removes the feeling of guiltunknowingly embedded by parents in their children. Should be like this, like this and like this ... No, it shouldn't. We would like to, but we shouldn't. A wife / husband should be like this and like this ... For everyone absolutely - no, they shouldn't. There is no single rule. Girl | boy should have such and such qualities ... No, they shouldn't. We, as parents, will show ourselves that there are gender and sex differences, but if children choose something else, they should not. We do not owe anything to anyone if we are in an open relationship and have not made a choice. And much more, but ...
It is a distortion of meaning when love is opposed to duty. Love includes responsibility(see Fromm). If nothing is left apart from duty, then this concept and the life of a person must be dealt with. And so love and duty go side by side.
"Should" has become synonymous with addiction.If you want to be free, let go of the "must". From all "should". "Nobody, nobody, nobody." This is what the statement has become.
But we owe other people. We must, if we are in an agreed and fixed relationship with them.If our obligations are stipulated. If they were spoken orally or in writing. If we are friends, then we should. If we love each other, then we must. If I am a mother, then I owe my child. If you are a son, then you owe your parents. You may want to help and want to take care, but responsibility from this does not paint a different color. If your parents left you, then there is another responsibility. An inherent violation of obligations, and this is about a different interaction.
I read that the first step towards the formation of a person's integrity can be the understanding that “no one owes anything to anyone”. It is not integrity. This is the destruction of personality.
Remove restrictions from the Overself, remove norms and rules in order to release the animal It. Powerful, dark, uncontrollable. Allow a person to completely disregard others. Stop being human. Spiritual and highly developed.
Isn't this the purpose of the statement? Isn't this the main implanted idea, covered with slogans about the health and integrity of the individual? I think, it is a propaganda campaign. Delicate and superbly thought out. Overton window in action- experts called for help.
Only these same experts carry medicines and money to the mother, support an unemployed wife, help friends when they ask for help ... And at the same time, "no one owes anything to anyone."
