Counseling is often sought after by couples with sexual problems. In the process, it turns out that their communication suffers. Adults are not accustomed to having frank conversations with partners. Such embarrassment and omissions can negatively affect sex. It's not about experience and not about how compatible the temperaments of these people are, not about their feelings or attitude towards each other.

When such a couple is in the office, it is immediately evident that the conversation is not going well. It turns out a void with which it is absolutely impossible to work. It is much more efficient to work with such clients individually. One of them, having come to the session without his girlfriend, shared thoughts that he could not voice in her presence: “I don’t feel her at all. She is so beautiful, I never get tired of being shy in front of her beauty. It always seemed to me that she admits me to her, and nothing more. I guess I'm not a very good lover."

The girl herself also doubted her sexuality and praised her partner: “I have never felt so good in bed. He really feels me. But I'm terribly shy. I seem to get very red in certain positions. I try to control my face during orgasm, because it's horror what it is.

What prevents partners who are loving and ready to shower each other with compliments alone with a psychologist, to talk about their feelings directly? "Have you ever told your husband how good you are with him?" “I praised him, but not very often ... However, it seems to me that if I say something like that, he will see that I am not a guru at all in sex ...” In the absence of dialogue, our guesses and complexes replace the partner’s real opinion about us .

What are we afraid of?

Almost always, what cannot be talked about is overgrown with omissions. Communication becomes much more intense, complexities and malicious intent begin to appear in the most trivial processes. Why are we afraid to talk about sex? Most often, people are afraid that the partner will consider them too inexperienced or, conversely, too sophisticated and dissolute. We are afraid to hurt our partner or hear that something is wrong with us. Unfortunately, resentment in the territory of talking about sex happens quite often.

How and what to talk about?

Choice of contraception. There may be different opinions, and the couple needs to find a compromise. The issue of health is very important, even if you are protected by a barrier type of contraception. Of course, the issue of the freshness of tests for sexually transmitted diseases is a very delicate topic. By refusing to discuss this topic, we risk paying too high a price for modesty.

The boundaries of what is permitted and what is not permitted in sex. Yes, we are not ready for all experiments in bed. And this is absolutely normal. Good contact, both psychological and sexual, is possible only if the partners are ready to hear each other and respect the boundaries.

Technical and physiological parts of the process. What I like is how the body responds to certain gestures. This part of the conversation is great to build in the format I recommend for feedback. You need to start with what you like, continue with what you would like to change, and end with plans for the future: “I like it when you ...”, “I feel a little uncomfortable when ...”, “It will still be great if you do it like this ... »

Fantasy. This is the most exciting topic of conversation. You can discuss them both on the shore and in the process. If you are sure that your proposal to your partner will be answered, then the fantasy can be whispered in your ear at the moment of intimacy. However, we are very different. Someone may like your idea of ​​​​inviting a third person into a sexual life, but for someone it will be a painful blow to pride and erection if the offer is made at the moment of intimacy. If you can’t say it directly, you can hint by sending a photo or video of a certain topic, send an article or refer to a conversation or experience of friends.

You can't be a good lover or mistress because of hundreds of miles in a previous relationship

Fortunately, in bed we are not under oath, and it does not depend on our testimony whether a person is executed or pardoned. Sharp corners we can soften, and also not to say absolutely everything. For many of us, there is a sin - during sex, we close our eyes and scratch George Clooney's back. Our guy does not need to know this, if only because under no circumstances will he become George Clooney.

To play or not to play guessing is voluntary. Of course, you can poke your finger in the sky, and hit the clitoris. But in order for the partner to know what and how you like it, it is still necessary to lift the veil of secrecy. If we are talking about the direction of movement, gesture or rhythm, we can say right at the moment of intimacy. So the partner will be clearer and clearer.

You cannot be a good lover or mistress because of hundreds of kilometers in a previous relationship. Each new body - new laws. In past relationships, at least we recognized ourselves. But your body in conjunction with a new partner can open up in a completely different way. Every first sex with a new partner, he really is a very first. Do not forget this and be very careful and attentive to yourself and to your partner.

This material is intended for those over 18.

It would seem that it is rather difficult to surprise or shame a modern person with something. But there are topics in which it is difficult for many to be bold or frank - and these are intimate topics. The issue of contraception, individual preferences in sex and disagreements is raised extremely rarely, thereby causing omissions and quarrels between married and loving couples. But you can learn a few tricks that will give courage to even the most shy.

How to convince a man to use a condom

The eternal struggle of two titans - pleasure and security. Any man will say that he is against a condom when it comes to a proven permanent partner. And this has its advantages. But what if the couple just met and did not reveal all the omissions to each other? What if a young man does not want to listen to you and wants to get down to business "without too much rubber"? Well, you need to dot the "i" to avoid an unnecessary course of antibiotics, stress and discomfort for anyone ..

Here are a few ways to beat back popular arguments against condom use:

• If your partner claims to have no STDs and trusts you completely: STDs may not show any symptoms for months, so trust based on observation and words is not the best precaution.
• The condom reduces sensitivity: nonsense. It has been proven that latex does not affect the sensations during sex in any way and does not reduce sensitivity. In addition, a young man always has several options: either a condom and a woman, or no condom and a hand. The choice is his.
• But after all, a girl on pills, why also a condom: for some, a condom is really just a protection against an unplanned pregnancy. But most people use it to prevent getting STDs. In addition, hormonal pills that help girls avoid pregnancy in no way protect partners from STDs. You need to explain to the guy how much time and effort it takes to maintain optimal hormonal levels (in order to ensure that there is no pregnancy), and how little time it takes for a guy to put on a condom and keep both of them from getting sick.
• The guy does not have a condom with him: well, who is going on a date like that? No condom - no sex, so run to any convenience store or pharmacy. Is it too hard? Well, a few weeks of treatment will help prioritize.

• A young man cannot cum because of latex: in this case, you need to find fault not with a condom, but with the guy himself. Who is to blame that he is trying so poorly? Sex requires mutual desire and desire to enjoy - and no one said it would be easy. So let the young man decide what he needs: sex or complain about his helplessness. In the end, women somehow manage to portray pleasure, bring joy to their partner and turn on - we will never believe that this is not given to guys.
• The guy is infertile: if the couple is not set to create a family, this is not bad. But this does not mean at all that with the ability to have children, the ability to pick up and transmit STDs has gone. Especially if the young man had many partners with whom this trick worked. Unprotected sex is not a battlefield to walk away defeated - fight for your health and insist on safe sex.
• Without a condom, we get closer: hardly. Scientists have proven that a strong hug for 20 seconds brings a couple (and even strangers) closer than sex. So we put on a condom - we still have time to hug.
• Considering someone sick is an insult: well, no one is protected and endowed with super-strong immunity - everyone can catch an STD. And it's not just a whim of a girl - it's also a matter of caring for a young man. Who knows, maybe the girl is not completely clean? A condom is protection for the guy himself. So you can regard the condom as a sign of care, and not a doubt in health.
• A girl wants too much: in fact, a condom is the minimum that a girl can ask a guy. If this does not suit him, and he does not want to hear about such things, it's time to pack your bags. If a person does not take his own health seriously, he cannot be expected to take others seriously.

How to learn not to be shy about talking about your desires in sex

Serious topics require a serious approach to business. No one said that it would be easy to be frank - but this task can be simplified (and for both sides). Here are some tips:

• Choose a suitable location. Yes, the atmosphere affects the perception of information and our reaction to it. This does not mean that you need to go to the sea or go to a restaurant to talk about sex - just pick up the most relaxed moment. In no case do not make an elephant out of a fly: sex, of course, is a serious topic, but not so much as to start it with the phrase "I must confess something to you" or "dear, we need to have a serious talk." Try to move as smoothly as possible to the topic of sex and what does not suit you.
• Don't bombard your partner with "I want" or "I don't like." Start with nice words: tell us what you like in bed, what you are crazy about and what your man conquers you with. Then suggest—never demand—changes. Let the man think, and do not put him before the fact. It is even better to find a few pluses for him, so he will quickly take your side. After all, maybe what you don't like, he doesn't like in the same way? Everything is possible.
• Don't blur your thoughts. Make the conversation as casual and specific as possible. Men like to see clear goals in front of them: say exactly what you don’t like and we will go the opposite way. It will be easier for both parties - you will immediately feel better, and the man will not have to think all the way to work about what the conversation was about. Also, don't make sex an individual pleasure - ask him what he doesn't like about making love. He is the same person, with the same needs and emotions (and often much stronger), as a woman. And he doesn't owe you anything.
• Start practicing. Yes, yes, after any theory, you need to move on to practical exercises - try to make adjustments to sex in practice. We advise you to take this into account when you start talking with your loved one - perhaps starting a conversation is not far from the bed or a secluded place. Why delay learning?

How to say "no" if you don't like your partner's actions

The question of giving up something that does not bring pleasure or even harm, refers more to psychology. But here are some tips:

• Learn to respect yourself as a person and as a woman. Frankly, that would be enough. Only by respecting and appreciating himself, a person can refuse to do what he does not like, and even more so if it threatens STDs, psychological trauma or an unplanned pregnancy.
• Clearly explain to him what you don't like: sex is not just for men. If such an argument does not fit, it's time to disperse - every person is worthy of respect. Even if it's a one night stand. The guy wants dominance or extreme sports - let him call the night butterflies.
• Try to say as calmly as possible what exactly is wrong - indignation or dissatisfaction will not help the case. Only in this way will it be possible to continue making love without cooling down passion - but already taking into account your interests. If a man respects you, he will take note of the words.
• Avoid performances: men are not fools, they read a woman like an open book, and it doesn’t cost them anything to figure out another actor’s refusal. Talk to him in a human language and as frankly as possible - so he will understand you faster and the relationship will not be shaken.

For many people, venturing into a lewd conversation is like venturing into a minefield. Talking in bed is a special area of ​​sexuality that sometimes even seems silly. People are too embarrassed and do not know what to say, and shyness and insecurity make any provocative and exciting remark just ridiculous.

When a partner asks, instead of a hurricane of passions, a chilling cold often bursts into the bedroom, from which all desire disappears. Maybe your ideas about sexual conversations will seem disgusting to your partner, funny or even crazy.

I must say that in our language there is not even a term that would describe verbal communication in sex. In English, this is called dirty talk - “dirty talk”, although there is nothing dirty about them.

Therefore, Lifehacker translated the complete guide to the exciting art of bed talk, which was compiled by sex blogger and relationship specialist Jordan Gray (Jordan Gray). What to say, what not to even stutter about, how to understand the desires of a partner and respond to them - all this is necessary to discover a new side of sexuality.

Before sex, say what you want, during sex, say what you like.

The rule that helps to cope with talking in bed is: first say what you want to do with your partner and what you expect from him, and when you start doing what you have planned, tell what you like.

For example, a partner has a high level, but he or she does not know how to be excited in advance. Maybe he wants to have sex more often, but he cannot think about it and tune in so often. This is where erotic conversations can help.

Conversations will be about what you want here and now. But if you casually drop the phrase “I’m trying to focus and work, but instead I remember how last week we had sex in the 69 position and couldn’t tear ourselves away from each other,” she will push the partner into your arms.

Any reminder of how good you were together, or how you imagine the next evening, will lead to sex.

Confess what you like, tell your partner about it immediately, and then the partner will want to give you more. Talking will add another dimension to sex games and turn sex into a multi-sensory experience.

Describe what is happening

For many people, the details of sexual conversations are the sparks that ignite passion.

There is nothing wrong with general phrases like “Yes, I like it,” “You are just super,” “I love having sex with you.” But they can be saturated with emotions by adding descriptive details.

"Yeah, I love it" turns into "Yeah, go ahead, I love the feel of your big/small hands on your chest/ass, there's no one sexier than you in the world."

“You look great” turns into “You are cooler than any of my fantasies, I adore you and your wonderful / soft / strong ... (here - the name of any part of the body that you can’t tear yourself away from)”.

"I love having sex with you" becomes "I love the way you grab the sheets in front of you. I love to hear how your breath breaks when I kiss you in (well, here you yourself know where it is better to kiss a partner). I want to be in you/on you/under you.”

Sounds better too, doesn't it?

Engage all senses

One of the great ways to add fire to an erotic conversation and make it exciting is to use words that describe different feelings.

Usually people talk about sex by describing the sensations that sight and touch give: "You look so cool, I feel so good." These feelings, of course, dominate in sex. It is normal to talk about them and describe their various manifestations. But it is much more interesting to give free rein to the imagination and notice something different, unusual.

Try to find words that show that you use all five senses in sex, for example:

• I like the way you smell. You have good taste. I'm drunk on your scent.
• I get high when I listen to you.
• I love it when you sigh like that.
• I want to feel how tight you hold me.
• I want to see your orgasm and feel every thrust.

Don't be rude if your partner doesn't like it

Each of us has trigger words that confuse and cut the ear. Someone gets "dirty" words, someone they cause the exact opposite reaction.

Particularly difficult with the description of the genitals. Someone prefers medical terms: penis, vagina. But many use slang and even obscenity, someone chooses euphemisms like "jade rod" and "cave of pleasure."

You need to check your partner's reaction to the words BEFORE you enter the bedroom. When in doubt, it is better to ask than to blurt out something wrong at the wrong time.

Soft and "decent" words do not reduce the sexual intensity of conversations, they speak of respect for a partner. Do you listen to the wishes of a partner if he or she likes soft touches (or, conversely, rough and hard)? The same with words. With the help of conversations, an atmosphere of sex is created: gentle, hurricane or hard. Soft vocabulary creates a feeling of comfort and security.

Scary? Start with messages

Some people find it difficult to start an erotic conversation because they grew up in a society where the topic of sex is taboo. It can be religious culture or family traditions - whatever it is, it's hard to talk about sex. A good way to test both yourself and your partner is to send an erotic text message and see the response.

Where to start sexting (this is such a correspondence about sex)? Try something similar:

• I look forward to seeing you. Let's have a great time in the bedroom.
• I want to play. I hope you'll be out of your panties by the time I get home.
• I'm already excited / excited, what should I wear for the evening?
• I just can’t concentrate on work, I always remember what we did last night.
• Trying to recover from a crazy night. You know how to please.

Erotic conversation: for beginners, advanced and experienced

Here are some examples of easy, more challenging, and (for some) extreme conversations you can try out.

Level 1. Phrases for beginners

Suitable for those who have not tried to talk about sex before, or for those who have sex with. These phrases help test how you both feel about such conversations.

• Great feeling.
• Get on me.
• Do you like it that way?
• I get turned on/excited.
• Tell me if you like / if you need more tender.
• You look amazing, you excite me.
• What do you want to do with me?
• I love the way you look at me when you get excited.
• Do with me what you want.
• I see that you are pleased.
• Ready to spend all day between your legs.
• I want to taste you.
• Do not stop.

Level 2. Phrases for advanced

So, the two of you have already tried a lot and are now looking for something that will turn you on even more. Take a few phrases from the list below and insert them into an erotic conversation. And when you get used to them, the next section will spur fun.

• I love it when you squeeze me.
• I want you to cum on me / I want to watch you cum.
• Relax, lie back and let me bring you to orgasm.
• I love it when you ride me.
• Get on your knees
• I like to suck your dick.
• Tell me how you love to have sex with me.
• I want to have sex with you in front of a mirror.
• You have a great ass / body / cock…

Level 3. Phrases for those who are not used to being silent

The following examples will no longer be for the faint of heart, and should not be used in the first months of a relationship (unless you met at a sex party and started talking to each other something similar before you learned the names). Like so much in the sexual realm, these obscene phrases are best used behind a well-closed door.

So if you're up for it, try some of these phrases and unleash your secret impulses!

• Tell me how to fuck you.
• Show how wet you are.
• I want to have sex with you so that all the neighbors wake up.
• Get up and fuck me.
• Fuck me hard!
• Take my dick.
• This body deserves good sex.

Why is all this necessary

Yes, sometimes indecent conversations seem even scary (especially when you read about them on your lunch break), but try to start and get used to them, to the fact that you are able to say such words.

Start small, ask your partner how he feels about different words (and not only during sex), remember what you can and cannot say.

At first, you can’t get away from the feeling of awkwardness, but over time, erotic conversations open up new horizons of freedom, it will be easier for you to communicate and understand each other. Words change sex life - this is one of the simple ways to make it brighter.

Undoubtedly, the best interlocutor is the one who has the ability to hear and listen to another. But attention alone will not last long. Dialogue still implies replicas from both sides. And the most difficult thing sometimes is not even to support, but to start a conversation. Especially, find topics for conversation with a guy that don't seem silly and help to get the conversation going.

How to find topics for conversation?

The art of eloquence sometimes has to be learned throughout life. There are very few people who are able to instantly find topics for conversation, quickly respond to any questions and at the same time create a lively conversation. And when it comes to communicating with a representative of the opposite sex, especially with whom there is a certain amount of sympathy, stiffness and confusion of thoughts often appear.

You can endlessly memorize template designs that supposedly make life easier. But it would be much more correct to define a number of topics for yourself. They will help out in the protracted silence. Any human activity is based on understanding, not memorization. Especially in a field such as communication.

The most difficult thing is to designate the ideal topic for the first conversation with a practically stranger. The easiest way to strike up a conversation is to ask the guy for advice on something. True, the assessment of the new skirt is unlikely to fit here. But to ask about his opinion on a new gadget that I would like to purchase, especially if he himself owns it, is more than acceptable. In addition, a question addressed to a young person is often associated with the place where the conversation is planned. In one university alone, you can find up to 100 ideas!

Interesting topics for conversation with a guy and a man

After the conversation was able to start, it is worth choosing a topic that will allow you to give out detailed and long stories, or at least simply captivate both. In general, there is one universal advice here: listen to the speech of the interlocutor. From almost any word spoken, a new discussion can be developed. But if such a skill has not yet been mastered, you will have to familiarize yourself with the most successful topics for talking with a guy.

And the first place was taken, oddly enough, not by football, but by a wider sphere - hobbies. Many people can talk about such things for a long time. If a young person has a craving for sports, it is enough just to “pull” the guide strings. You can find out what exactly he does and for how long, why the choice fell on this particular sport. In the case when he is familiar to you, it is easy to go into a discussion of the latest or most striking sporting event.

Musical preferences - the area is also extensive. Although, there is no guarantee that they will match. Therefore, there is a risk of reducing everything to an awkward pause. To prevent this, you should ask more often, and not speak yourself. In addition to trying to find out about your favorite artist, you can also find out about the guy's attitude to music as such. Perhaps he once wanted to go into this area himself. Or he can play or write lyrics.

By the way, about hackneyed ideas like "weather" and "news reports". They may be relevant if they are a prerequisite for a detailed conversation or specific proposals. For example, focus on the long-awaited sun, which encourages a bike ride, and shift the conversation towards outdoor activities. There is a high probability of arranging the next meeting or adjusting the current one just for this. Discussion of the news can be interspersed with incidents from life.

What is definitely undesirable to touch upon is the sphere of health. The conversation should bring pleasure to both parties, and not slide into a discussion of the causes of headaches over the past day. This also includes the category of topics-complaints. It is worth clarifying right away that this does not imply a constantly positive mood. Such insincerity will alienate the interlocutor. But you should not pour out a heap of accumulated problems on him, talk about what torments you. Girls who constantly complain about and without cause rarely cause sympathy among young people.

The basic rule in a conversation with a man is to let him talk more about himself. You can take the opposite position after a month of close acquaintance. But it’s not worth going on the offensive right away, flooding him with information. After you manage to find out about interests and hobbies, attitudes towards the world around you and the most ordinary things, you should move on to more personal things.

For example, talk about travel. It is likely that the man visited not only other cities, but also abroad. Or maybe he plans to visit some place during his vacation? Ask where he liked the most, and where he would not return. Give him the opportunity to advise you on the most interesting place to stay according to certain parameters. Again, it will be possible not only to find common ground, but also to give him the opportunity to feel his importance.

Discussion of gadgets and technology is another chance to give leadership in a conversation to a man, showing your own interest in his opinion on this matter. But be sure to show that you care. Even if there is nothing to add to the subject of discussion on your own, you can insert leading and clarifying questions.

Talking about plans for life is good if the interlocutor does not belong to the category of people who live only today. Otherwise, there is a chance not only to get a lengthy monosyllabic answer, but also to change the mood of the dialogue for the worse. But if a man is ready to share his opinion about the proposed future, then there is always a place to bring the accents: home and family, career prospects, and so on.

Intimate topics can also help to intensify the conversation, but here it is important to keep the edge. First, while maintaining naturalness and ease. If this area is not something that you are used to freely communicating about, there is no point in touching it even to please the interlocutor. Secondly, it is advisable to avoid common talk about previous relationships, especially if they are marked by negative memories.

By the way, discussions of mutual acquaintances also fall under this rule. It's better to gossip with a friend. And if in a conversation with a man a topic has surfaced that affects one of the persons known to both, you should not go into a detailed discussion of the person. This increases the risk of acquiring the stigma of a gossip. Nevertheless, it is not shameful to inquire about what qualities in people will repel him, and which, on the contrary, will attract him.