Recently, women from 30 to 40 years old who are experiencing, for whatever reason, the inability to have children, have become more frequent for consultations. And quite often women go to a psychologist looking for an answer, and not all of them first pay attention to the physiological aspect and the elementary examination by doctors. There are those who have examined themselves from all sides, as best they could, from the point of view of medicine, but forgot to examine their partner.

It is not uncommon for women to go into self-flagellation, their own unworthiness, to compare themselves with others and forget that a child is a gift from God and in order for it to appear in your life, many factors must coincide and there are things that do not depend on us.

So, before considering the psychological reasons, the impossibility of having children, the first thing to do is to exclude the physiological ones.

If there are physiological abnormalities that doctors diagnose based on the results of tests and a complete examination of you and your spouse, and these deviations can affect the fact that you cannot get pregnant or it turns out, but the pregnancy is interrupted for some reason, then you should pay attention to medical treatment.

If, from the point of view of medicine, you do not have any disorders, we can begin to study the structure of your psyche and possible resistances affecting this difficulty of yours - having children.

I want to say that I am not a narrowly focused specialist in this area and what I will talk about is taken exclusively from my experience with my clients and the difficulties they describe.

But in order to find out something directly about you and your difficulty, we need to meet in person for a consultation.

Below I will describe the psychological resistances that my clients and I found in individual practice and devoted time to analyzing these points. Some of my clients after some time became pregnant and gave birth to children, but I cannot say that this is directly related to psychotherapy, since I will once again mention that many factors must coincide in this case, including those on which we we cannot influence.

So, about possible psychological resistances:

1. Internal conflict between the fact that “I really want a child” and “it should be so, it should be so” (there is a social program here, “everyone gives birth”, “a woman must give birth”, “a woman is realized through the birth of children”, etc. .)

2. The reluctance of one of the partners, and possibly both, to have a child (it can be hidden from the partner himself and work on a subconscious level, the reasons may be different)

3. Fears of various kinds (“I’m afraid to give birth,” “I’m afraid of pain,” “I will get fat after childbirth,” “my body will never be the same,” “I will not get enough sleep,” “my usual life will change,” “I will be dependent from the child "," I will be financially dependent on my husband "," I cannot cope ", etc.)

4. The woman herself is not yet a psychologically mature woman, but rather a girl or adolescent and her decision to have children is not thoughtfully serious and does not bear an understanding of full responsibility for this choice. In fact, she herself may need the care and support that she intends to give to the child.

5. There is someone who is already replacing the role of children. Your own parents, brothers or sisters, other relatives, animals, for which the woman already has parental responsibility.

6. In fact, in a woman's life, everything is already arranged quite comfortably or uncomfortably, and / but she would not want to change anything. Then there is simply no place for a child in the life of a particular woman.

7. Parents are looking for the meaning of life and their own realization through children. And also, own immortality in procreation. But then these topics are not at all about the desire to have a child, but about the parents' own problems, which it is important to deal with before inviting a child into your life.

8. Regular exhausting conflicts in the family. If you have not yet come to unity in a relationship with a partner and have not learned how to get along together, understand each other and resolve your conflicts in a constructive way, then how will you live as a three? You need to understand what is happening between adults before including children in your relationship.

9. A woman is too focused on the process of conception and this begins to exhaust her. Of course, "water does not flow under a lying stone" and in order to get pregnant you need to do some kind of action, at least have sex with a partner, but it is important to do this in love, and not according to a schedule or schedule. This approach can kill the desire of any person, even the most patient and loving. Therefore, it is important to let go of the situation and take care of yourself, your partner and your relationship, which you already have, even without children. It's like with dreams, remember? Make a guess, let go and forget, then you will not notice how it will come to you by itself.

10. A woman does not feel strength, energy and pleasure from the way she lives. And he seeks salvation in the birth of a child. A child will not help you become happier, but you can definitely make him unhappy. In order to bear, give birth and raise a child, a mother needs to have strength, energy, the ability to independently cope with life's difficulties and enjoy life. Otherwise, you doom the child to the fact that he will be forced to become your parent, which means that later he may have difficulties with the birth of his children.

Now, let's imagine that you are the very child you are expecting. You sit in the sky on a cloud and choose your parents.

Children are true happiness for many married couples. The birth of the baby is eagerly awaited, but sometimes it happens that the baby is not destined to wait. In such cases, married couples often break up, simply not being able to find a way out of the situation, without trying to figure out the reasons and possible options. What to do when parents cannot have children? About this in this article.

Reasons for not being able to have children

There are many reasons why some couples cannot have children: psychological, physical, etc. The reason may lie in both the woman and the man, and therefore it is important to immediately determine the reason for the absence of children, so as not to blame each other for the problem, but, having found out the reason, try to find a way out of this situation.

And the reasons may be as follows:

Female factor:

• Age over forty years - the older the woman, the less chances she has to become pregnant, bear and give birth to a healthy child.
• Abortion - experts do not recommend abortion during the first pregnancy, because it will be extremely difficult to give birth later. Abortion is justified only if the woman is unable to bear the baby for physical and sometimes mental health.

Women's diseases

• Psychological problems - such problems can contribute to the suppression of reproductive functions, as well as the interruption of the menstrual cycle, without the restoration of which it will no longer be possible to get pregnant.
• Overweight or, on the contrary, depletion of the body, when organs cease to function normally, including reproductive organs.
• Smoking - nicotine inhibits the reproductive functions of the body

Male factor:

• Sperm have poor motor function when sperm have little motility.
• Low or no sperm count
• Congenital absence of the vas deferens
• Damage to the testicles, even if the man is not impotent
• Do not forget about some childhood diseases that can cause infertility.

Also, the reason for the impossibility of conceiving a baby may be a typical incompatibility of partners. According to statistics, more than 15% of spouses cannot conceive a child due to incompatibility of partners. What does this mean? We are talking about the immune system, which allows special bodies into the body of some women that prevent the penetration of sperm, and therefore there is no way to conceive a baby naturally.

What if there can be no children?

If the reason lies in physical problems, then they are solved with the help of medical intervention. Medicine today has made a significant step forward, and therefore much can be corrected.

The psychological factor also matters. Obsession with the desire to have a baby usually works in the opposite way. And the longer this manic desire to conceive lasts, the less likely it will appear. Don't worry too much if the woman is under thirty. It's just that the time has not come yet. If in the past one of the parents, and especially the mother, had psychological problems, then it is worth starting with treatment by a psychologist or psychotherapist. At the same time, a woman should feel the support of her husband, then the treatment will be most successful.

In case the reason lies in the incompatibility of partners, it makes sense to think about artificial insemination. Yes, it is expensive, but if this is the last chance, then it makes sense to use it.

Thus, in the modern world, everything is reversible and it is possible, the main thing is to believe, and then the question of why some parents cannot have children will remain in the past.

A terrible word that hundreds of women hear in our country every year. But the later the diagnosis is made and the later the reason for why a woman cannot get pregnant is found out, the less chances she has of having a child of her own. So why can't a woman become a mother? For what reason does her body simply refuse to bear the baby?

In fact, the reasons for female infertility are incredible. But in the first place is ovulation problem... If a woman's menstrual cycle is less than 21 days and more than 35 days, then the egg simply does not have time to mature (in the first case) or is simply not viable (in the second case). More details about the violation of ovulation are described.

At the same time, there is no full development of the follicle, in which a healthy and mature egg could develop. This means that the sperm simply have nothing to fertilize. And therefore, pregnancy does not occur.

The second reason is ovarian dysfunction... In this case, in the well-coordinated system of the pituitary gland - hypothalamus - ovaries, the production of hormones fails. They are produced either too much or, conversely, too little. Dysfunction is described in more detail.

Therefore, again, due to this failure in the follicles, the normal maturation of the eggs does not occur. In this case, the egg cell either does not mature in the follicle at all, and if it does, it is most often not viable. Dysfunction of this harmonious hormonal system can occur after a brain injury, in the presence of a tumor in the pituitary gland, or in its chemical changes.

An equally common cause of female infertility is hormonal disorders... In this case, menstruation is either absent altogether, or they are, but at the same time the maturation of the egg does not occur. In this violation, not only sex hormones, but also thyroid and pancreatic hormones can be to blame.

Early menopause is another reason why a woman cannot get pregnant. Normally, a woman's menopause begins at 50 - 55 years. But sometimes it also happens that the supply of eggs for some unknown reason ends at 40 - 45 years. This is not considered the norm, and sometimes this condition can be cured with correctly prescribed hormonal treatment. However, it should be borne in mind that early menopause is transmitted from generation to generation, so such women should not delay the birth of a child.

This is perhaps the most difficult cause of infertility to treat. This leads to both a disruption of the hormonal background and to strong changes in the ovaries. In this case, there is a constant underdevelopment of the follicles, which means that the eggs themselves do not mature. At the same time, on ultrasound, you can see a lot of follicular cysts, and the ovary itself is enclosed in a white capsule, through the walls of which even an accidentally ripe egg cannot pass.

Sometimes it also happens that the cause of infertility can be mucus in the cervical canal. It is either too thick, or, due to the characteristics of the woman's body, is toxic to sperm.

In addition to all of the above reasons, a woman's infertility may also depend on her mental state (for more details, see the article about). Therefore, an experienced specialist should understand why a woman cannot have children.

I was with you, the editor-in-chief of the site - Polishchuk Tatiana. Good luck in conceiving a child and health to you and your loved ones!

What problems did you have with conceiving children and how did you cope with this problem?

Whose fault is it? Experts answer this question quite definitely: responsibility must be divided in half between husbands and wives. At the same time, completely different reasons can lead to infertility of both.

Men

The male reproductive sphere has many enemies. Among them:

• sexually transmitted infections;
• genital trauma
• organs;
• anomaly in the development of the genitourinary sphere;
• inflammatory diseases of the reproductive system: orchitis (inflammation of the testicle), epididymitis (inflammation of the epididymis), prostatitis (inflammation of the prostate gland);
• vascular diseases: varicocele (varicose veins of the spermatic cord), atherosclerosis;
• infectious diseases: mumps (mumps), tuberculosis, etc.;
• exposure to adverse environmental factors and occupational hazards: radiation, poisoning with mercury, lead, manganese, phosphorus, carbon disulfide, ammonia, benzene, etc.;
• bad habits: smoking, alcoholism, drug addiction;
• various diseases of the endocrine system: diseases of the thyroid gland, adrenal glands, pineal gland, pancreas, pituitary gland, liver, kidneys;
• overheating of the body: work in high temperature conditions (bakers, foundry workers, steelworkers, stokers);
• the use of certain drugs (antibiotics, sulfonamides, cystostatics, hormones, anabolic steroids);
• systematic stress and excessive physical activity.

Women

There are no less obstacles that stand in the way of motherhood, and the representatives of the beautiful half of humanity. It can be:

• hormonal disorders that are caused not only by a malfunction of the ovaries, but also by other endocrine glands - the pituitary gland, thyroid gland, adrenal glands;
• polycystic ovary (the formation of many small bubbles filled with fluid), which occurs when dis-
• functions of the female reproductive glands;
• obstruction of the fallopian tubes is the result of inflammation after ectopic pregnancies, miscarriages, abortions, diseases of internal organs, as well as past genital infections (gonorrhea, chlamydia, etc.);
• malformations of the reproductive organs, as a rule, are congenital;
• endometriosis (proliferation of the mucous layer of the uterus outside of it). Foci of endometriosis can be located on the ovaries, in the uterus, in the fallopian tubes, disrupting the maturation of the egg, interfering with its fusion with the sperm, and also preventing the attachment of the fertilized egg to the wall of the uterus;
• early menopause;
• biological incompatibility, in which the woman's immune system recognizes the sperm as foreign and destroys it. In this case, a woman's body can produce antibodies to sperm, which "glue" them, reducing their mobility.

Al is 32 and has been trying to have a baby for the past eight years. During this time, both spouses managed to undergo many examinations - while the doctors always identified the "female factor" of the problem: the indicators of El's husband were normal. “Since childhood, my hormones were naughty, I was registered with a pediatric gynecologist and from an early age took various drugs to regulate the menstrual cycle. Therefore, when I didn't manage to get pregnant on the fly, I was not very surprised, ”she says.

eat who have never personally encountered the diagnosis of infertility, it seems like a sentence. In practice, the first diagnosis rather means that the doctor and patients need to pay more attention to the problem: it is made when, with regular sex without contraception, pregnancy does not occur within a year, if the partners

under 35 years old, or within six months if partners are older than that age. No additional surveys are required at this stage - the conclusion is made on the basis of this one feature.

The cause of infertility can be associated with the health state of both women and men - but even the WHO notes that most often when determining infertility they mean the woman's condition: this can mean the inability to get pregnant, and the inability to endure pregnancy, and the inability to give birth to a living child ... In medicine, it is customary to distinguish two types of infertility: primary (in women who have never been able to get pregnant) and secondary (inability of a woman to give birth to a child after she had another pregnancy or she was already able to once deliver and give birth to a child). It is difficult to talk about an average portrait, for example, about the age of women facing a diagnosis: gynecologist Oksana Bogdashevskaya notes that women aged 33-35 are more often observed in her clinic for infertility, but this does not mean anything - there are both 25 and 45 year old patients.

For example, 26-year-old Natalie was diagnosed with second-degree infertility (that is, secondary infertility). She has been living with a common-law husband for about five years, and during this time she never managed to get pregnant; while in the past she already had a miscarriage. “I was 22 at the time and I felt inferior,” she says. - After a while, they told my husband to do a spermogram. Then it turned out that the husband did not have live sperm. Inside, I felt a little relieved, and there was a hope that it was not just me. My husband did not believe it and secretly from me went to take the test again. The result was the same. The mother-in-law then began to hint that it was my fault that we did not have children. She did not want to perceive that her son had problems. "

The birth of a child is still imputed to a woman as her main responsibility, and the inability to give birth is often perceived
as a sentence

Doctors say that the couple has a chance to have a child, but not much. Natalie's husband is not against adoption, but she is not ready for such a step - and does not exclude that they will part if the issue of the child becomes even more acute. “Apparently, it is difficult for men to understand how important it is for a woman to bear her child, to go through all the important moments in the development of the baby. A friend of mine, after it turned out that her husband was infertile, filed for divorce. Says: "I don't love him enough to refuse the opportunity to have my own child." And these words stuck firmly in my head. "

The number of couples facing infertility is gradually increasing in the world, but scientists believe that, in general, its level in the world has practically not changed over the past 25 years - an increase in the number of infertile couples is associated with population growth. In 2010, among all women aged 20–44 years, primary infertility was observed in 1.9% of women, and secondary (here it meant cases when a woman gave birth to at least one child, but was not able to give birth to a second) - in 10, 5% of women. The habit of thinking primarily of the “female” factor when speaking of infertility, both at the official and at the household level, leads to the fact that it is considered primarily a “female” problem. It is not surprising that women who, for some reason, cannot have children, face enormous pressure - both from society in general and from those close to them.

This was, for example, with Natalie: “I remember when I came to work, there were three girls in the company with a problem of infertility. After a while, one colleague went on maternity leave, and a couple of months after her, a second one became pregnant. And then the first real hysteria happened to me on this basis: I locked myself in the toilet and sobbed for half an hour until they found me there. I felt so hopeless. I do not envy them, I am happy for them. But it is so offensive that they will experience such happiness, and I will not. "

In part, the emergence of this point of view can be explained by statistics, which seem to feed the accusatory logic of "probably the problem is in her": according to studies, about 37% of cases of infertility in couples living in Europe and the United States are explained by problems

with the health of a woman partner, 35% - health problems in both partners, and only 8% - problems in a man; in 5% of cases, the cause of infertility cannot be accurately identified. Oksana Bogdashevskaya, gynecologist, emphasizes that finding one reason is not enough - infertility is most often due to a combination of several factors. But this situation is much stronger due to patriarchal attitudes in society, where the birth of a child is still imputed to a woman as her main duty, and the inability to give birth to a child is often perceived as a sentence.

Psychologist Anna Silnitskaya, who leads support groups together with psychologist and narrative practitioner Elena Baskina, says that in their work they are wary of the term 'infertility': for medicine: a woman is an object in which something is 'broken', it needs to be 'fixed'. " According to Anna, the very word "infertility" contains many meanings associated with the traditional role of women in society, with ideas about what kind of woman can be considered "real" - and this approach traumatizes those who are faced with the problem. Elena suggests instead using the phrase “reproductive difficulties” to denote what women face in the most useful way for them: “Difficulties are something that you can cope with, take some action, get around them, find a solution, make an alternative reproductive choice. "

Three years ago, Silnitskaya and Baskina conceived the project "You are not alone" aimed at supporting women who have difficulties conceiving or having a child: the first meeting of the support group took place in February 2014, now experts renew them two or three times a year. A wide variety of women visit: there are those who come after a long treatment and many medical procedures, there are those who have lost children at different stages of pregnancy or have lost organs as a result of medical procedures. There are also those among the participants who think about whether they want children and how they can become a mother - for example, if they are not married or in a stable relationship. When asked whether it happens that a woman who has come to the group comes to the conclusion that she does not need to have a child, Anna replies that this has happened several times - but there are also many cases when women nevertheless gave birth to children (by themselves or thanks to assistive technology) or are considering adoption.

Despite the fact that infertility is a common problem, it remains a painful and taboo topic that is not usually talked about publicly: it is discussed more in a medical rather than a psychological or social context. There are still few men in the public space who, for example, openly talk about the difficulties with pregnancy in a couple and that this experience was very painful for them. In Russia, this is also superimposed on the widespread myth that a family without children is doomed and will surely fall apart - a man supposedly needs children (especially a boy who can become his heir and successor), and if a partner cannot give birth to them, he must will find another. “Historically, it is not difficult to trace the roots of this myth. But it does not work in modern reality, the world has changed, "says psychotherapist Anastasia Rubtsova. She notes that in modern society, many people do not need children - and a family, as a rule, is not created at all for the sake of having offspring. In reality, a child cannot save a broken relationship, a happy marriage is not necessarily the one in which children were born, and difficulties with conception do not always mean that partners will part without coping with the crisis - although this is a common situation.

A child cannot save a broken relationship, a happy marriage is not necessarily the one in which children were born, and difficulties with conception do not always mean that partners will part

Psychotherapist Ekaterina Sigitova says that not every couple who cannot have children faces psychological problems, but some still have them. “Potentially, the possibility of having a child can be negatively influenced by stress in one or both partners, unresolved strong conflicts and accumulated aggression, unconscious“ anti-motivation ”in one or both, lack of trust and lack of confidence in each other, fear of serious changes in life and much more,” - she thinks. At the same time, the expert notes that there are no clearly defined by science psychological causes and factors contributing to infertility - the relationship between the psyche and the body is very complex and difficult to study, so one should not make hasty conclusions.

El says that before the eyes of her and her husband there was always an “anti-example” of friends - a married couple in which the male partner from the very beginning of the relationship said that he wanted children, and when it turned out that the couple had little chance of having a child because of health problems of his wife, left his wife with the words: "I do not need a sterile wife, I need a healthy woman with children." El often recalled this incident - during the eight years that she and her husband were trying to have a child, her state changed from unshakable belief in success to a feeling of complete hopelessness, but her ordeal with her husband only rallied: “Crying hysterically and literally rolling on the floor, I shouted that it was time for him to leave me and that he was wasting time with me. My husband always cut me off abruptly and instilled the same idea: we will walk this path together, we will definitely succeed ”. The woman admits that over the years of unsuccessful attempts, she was let go of the thought that the meaning of life is to get pregnant - although the couple is still trying to have a baby, already with the help of assistive technologies: they have two unsuccessful IVF attempts on their account, and the third is next.

It is important to learn to talk about what happens when a fight ends in failure. It takes no less courage to give up trying to have a baby.

In vitro fertilization, or, - assisted reproductive technology and one of the most common measures to overcome infertility, when it is difficult for a couple to conceive a child on their own. According to a study in Denmark, three out of four women give birth within five years of starting fertility treatment - both because of it, and spontaneously and independently. Danish information allows us to draw fairly accurate conclusions: it is one of the few countries where all activities related to assisted reproductive technologies and all cases of childbirth are recorded.

What the statistics do not provide are situations when technologies fail or when an attempt fails. Not everyone is ready to use the IVF procedure, primarily because of its cost. It is perceived as a success mechanism that works smoothly, and we rarely hear about situations where it does not work. For example, 48-year-old Svetlana faced failure in IVF. The woman has secondary infertility: the first time she became pregnant at the age of 27, but the pregnancy turned out to be ectopic. Svetlana says that for all nine years of living together with her first husband she tried to have a child and was actively observed by doctors, but she did not succeed in getting pregnant. Later, doctors removed one fallopian tube for Svetlana and said that the couple had a chance to have a baby with IVF - but then the procedure was not so common, and the couple did not dare to do it. At the age of 41, with her second husband, Svetlana still tried IVF, but the attempt was unsuccessful: “I spent my family funds on medicines, on the work of a doctor - and everything was in vain. But I have no regrets. After 40 years, there is very little chance of success - somewhere around 20-25%. After 30 years - 50%, if you try in the third ten - the probability is very high. "

According to the European Society for Human Reproduction and Embryology, out of one and a half million cycles carried out with the help of assisted reproductive technologies, on average, only 350 thousand end with the birth of a child - which means that many couples have to resort to IVF

several times - until the result is positive or until they decide to stop trying. In a culture where having a baby is perceived as an obligatory stage in the life of a family, and couples who deliberately decide not to have children are still perceived as an exception to the rule, it is important to learn to talk about more than just how much effort a couple is making to get a long-awaited pregnancy. but also about what happens when the struggle ends in failure - and that it takes just as much courage to give up trying to have a child.

In October, it became known that the WHO is going to expand the concept of infertility: those who do not have a sexual relationship or a partner with whom to have a child will also be considered infertile. It is assumed that in this way single people and same-sex couples will be able to apply for funding the IVF procedure on an equal basis with heterosexual couples, and infertility will no longer be considered an exclusively medical problem. Perhaps, thanks to these measures, society will finally stop seeing infertility as an exclusively “system breakdown”, a problem labeled “male” or “female”, and will also see a difficult family history hidden behind each diagnosis.