You can't get away from family quarrels: even the most loving spouses sometimes cannot find a common language. Probably, you have already realized that small conflicts are not the best, but still part of married life, maybe even a way to understand each other. And it never goes away painlessly. Admit it is sometimes difficult to remember what caused the disagreement. The main thing now is to restore the relationship in marriage and not bring the matter to a break.

Who will carry out the bucket?

It is in these little things that the root of all evil lies! But if you manage from the very beginning to agree with your husband who has what role in the family, then from the first year you will have no reason for misunderstanding. True, the birth of your first child will make adjustments to the adopted routine, and at this stage, heated squabbles often occur. It would seem, well, is it difficult to take out a bucket of garbage or immediately clean up after yourself in the bathroom? However, it is with such little things that serious disagreements often begin, which can lead to divorce, to the intervention of friends and psychologists.

Relationships in marriage: the first steps in pedagogy

Be prepared that this question can also become a cornerstone in your relationship with your husband. Your child is still quite a baby, and young parents are already insisting on the correctness of their views on education. It seems to everyone that he knows best how to treat a baby, how to react to his behavior, how to punish him and calm him down. These quarrels are also protracted, and each demonstrates tremendous intransigence. You and your husband were brought up in different families - naturally, your ideas about family pedagogy do not coincide. Loving grandparents can also add fuel to the fire, imposing their rich experience.
Have you noticed how the child behaves while mom and dad are desperately fighting? He is frightened by loud voices. And it seems to him that if close people quarrel over him, then he is not needed, they do not like him. It can even end up with a baby's illness.

We seem to have a falling out?

You, of course, know the relief that comes to reconciling with your husband. Without this, normal marriage is simply impossible.
Even if you and your husband have completely opposite characters, you two have to return peace to the house.
But to come to this conclusion, both of you must at some point realize: stop, and we are quarreling! By doing this you will not let the fire of hostility flare up. During the hours of agreement, you can even come up with some funny words for such a moment: "kirdyk!" or "we are boiling!" It happens that the realization of what is happening dawns at the moment when you have already begun to prove something to your husband. Stop, take a breath, manage to master your own emotions. Remember that in a state of excitement, the husband will not perceive anything that you have already said and are going to say more. But the relationship will be spoiled for a while.
I managed to stop - well done! Of course, both have their nerves at their limit, which means there will be tears, and repentance, and the restoration of peace. But if such a story repeats itself over and over again, conflicts will take a more serious turn. It's good if you managed to agree in advance with your husband how to behave in such situations. Then it is easier to interrupt the quarrel and make peace.

Relationships in marriage: why such incontinence?

Can't understand why you have become so nervous and irritable?

• You are clearly not getting enough sleep. Talk to your husband about how you can carve out an hour or two to fill this deficit.
• Perhaps hormonal or physiological disruptions, some stressful situations affect. See a specialist doctor.
• It is possible that emotional breakdowns were the norm in the family where you grew up. This means that a reassessment of values \u200b\u200bis necessary.

The husband should also analyze his behavior. Chances are, you both need an emotional diet.
There are several rules that can help keep a normal marriage relationship.

1. Try not to start a conversation with your husband by imposing your point of view on him. Try to listen to him first and understand. Thus, you will extinguish an unnecessary dispute in the bud.
2. Compromise has not bothered anyone yet. If you speak convincingly and calmly, express a willingness to listen to your husband and understand, you will quickly come to an agreement. Even if it was not possible to quickly achieve such a result, do not allow the exchange of harshness, stop the conversation. It can be continued when you both find peace of mind.
3. You are a woman, which means that by nature you are wiser. In such a situation, someone should be the first to make concessions. Take on this mission, all the more, having calmed down, you have already realized that you were not right in everything. Trust me, a man will appreciate your willingness to make a truce.

But sometimes emotions during a quarrel heat up to such an extent that all good advice is forgotten. Even in this state, try to speak to the point, clearly state your claims. And in no case go to insults. Later, you will be embarrassed to remember your behavior and the words spoken.
Unfortunately, there are no perfect people and perfect relationships. If your couple learns to live in constant dialogue, and your actions are guided by caring and participation, you can maintain a normal marriage relationship.

The previously described types of marriages (complementary, partly complementary and non-complementary) can be considered both as certain life scenarios and as the corresponding types of relationships in marriage. The same applies to other types of marriage relationships: due to their stability and repeatability (in the case of a change of partner), they can be simultaneously considered as “marriage scenarios”.

In the psychoanalytic approach, it is proposed to highlight certain types of personality and their possible combinations, successful and unsuccessful for married life. At the same time, the identified personality types are not types in the literal sense of the word - they are not so much a constellation of personality traits as a description of sustainable ways of behaving with a marriage partner. Here is the classification offered by experts.

1. Equality-oriented partnerExpects equal rights and responsibilities.

2. Romantic partnerHe expects spiritual consent, wants to create strong bonds of love, sentimental symbols are of great importance to him. Feels cheated when a partner refuses to play these romantic games with him.

3. Parent partnerShe takes care of another with pleasure, brings up him.

4. Children's partnerIt brings some spontaneity, spontaneity and joy into marriage, but at the same time gains power over another through the manifestation of weakness and helplessness.

5. Rational partnerMonitors the manifestation of emotions, accurately observes rights and obligations. Responsible person, sober in assessments. Adapts well to life, despite the fact that the partner does not behave in the same way. May be wrong about their partner's feelings.

6. Friendly partnerHe wants to be a partner and is looking for the same companion with whom he could share daily worries, live life. Does not pretend to romantic love and accepts the usual hardships of family life as inevitable.

7. Independent partnerKeeps a certain distance in marriage in relation to his partner. Seeks to avoid unnecessary intimacy in the relationship and wants the partner to respect these requirements.

Combinations that can cause problems include the following:

· Both partners are of the parent type;

· Both partners are of the child type;

· One partner is of the parental or child type, the other is of the independent type;

· One romantic partner, the other- Equally moral, rational, independent or childish.

Marriage Romantic partnersRepresents a tense and not stable enough relationship, as romantic relationships gradually fade over time, and both partners may begin to look for them in other relationships outside of marriage. If we try to draw any parallels with the views of other authors, then we can say that this is a marriage of partners who have not reached the stage Mature love.

Other scientists of the psychodynamic direction describe the following non-constructive types of relationships associated with the personality traits of partners:

· The wife has a romantic-hysterical type, suffers from a lack of attention and affection, and the husband is cold, has a psychosthenic character;

· The husband is looking for a mother in his wife who would constantly take care of him;

· Both partners are dependent type;

· Both partners (or one of them) are paranoid.

A wife passionately dreaming of love and an emotionally cold husband.A similar marriage is described by many scientists under slightly different names ("hysterical marriage", "hysterical wife and obsedant husband", etc.). The wife may have hysterical traits of varying severity. Such a woman is usually emotional, attractive, has good taste and artistic inclinations. The husband is usually intelligent, educated, has a sense of responsibility, is successful at work, is respected, unpretentious in everyday life. He tries to "always do the right thing," with difficulty showing feelings. Usually he is looking for a wife who is the personification of femininity. In the beginning, she brings a lot of excitement to her husband, because it evokes feelings in him that he has never experienced. This encourages him; caring for his wife gives him a sense of his own worth. The wife, as a rule, has already experienced a fleeting "dramatic" love, in turn chooses a balanced and reliable man, a good family man who can provide stability and a sense of security. After a romantic period of courtship, family life difficulties arise.

The couple are deeply disappointed. The wife begins to criticize her husband's silent and "insensitive" behavior. She feels misunderstood, emotionally dissatisfied, as a result of which she tries to provoke a scandal or attacks her husband. The husband perceives his wife's overly emotional behavior as unacceptable, her tendency to dramatize and “scandalous” behavior tire him. The marriage moves from the category of "kind parent" and "kind child" to the category of "cold parent" and "intolerable child."

Often in such a marriage, the husband's behavior can reinforce the wife's hysterical behavior, initially slightly expressed. This happens in cases where the emotional coldness of the husband is clearly expressed, he is pedantic and prone to reasoning instead of decisive action. Usually, he remains indifferent to his wife's attempts to involve him in joint activities, is ironic or hostile, until the aggressive or hysterical behavior of his wife forces him to cooperate. The wife can count on the fulfillment of her desires or get her husband's cooperation only in those cases if she gives him a tantrum. Thus, her hysterical behavior is reinforced.

The husband who sees his wife as a mother("Passively dependent husband and dominant wife"). We can probably say that the nature of the relationship in such a marriage resembles that described in the previous version, only the spouses change roles in it. Here, a man is usually characterized by a lack of personal and emotional maturity. He is distinguished by increased emotional sensitivity, requires attention and care, traditionally male traits in his behavior are not very pronounced. They usually marry for love at a very young age, even before they are able to provide for their own family. Doubts about one's own masculinity are resolved by choosing a wife who is able to take on her husband's problems. Usually he chooses a woman who does not strive for a traditional female role and does not feel well in a dependent position; she chooses a husband who is easy to subjugate. The behavior of such a woman resembles that of a mother - she is reliable, consistent and patient.

In cases of conflict, the wife tries to suppress her husband. The husband's reaction is "passive-aggressive behavior" and depression.

The wife's inability to get what she wants from her husband causes hostility and irritability.

First, the husband is attracted by the independence of his wife, he wants to use her strength. His wife helps him with his work and promotion. But as he gains financial independence and the initial romantic coloring of the relationship with his wife fades, he finds himself a mistress, usually similar in personal characteristics to his wife. Often he seeks to marry a mistress, who in marriage behaves in the same way as the first wife.

Vraki with two-way addiction.In this marriage, both partners are dependent and immature. Both dream of love, while each of them thinks that he gives in marriage more than he receives. In cases of conflict, both come to attacks of rabies, both behave like children. Neither seeks to take an interest in the other's problems.

Paranoid marital relationship. INIn such a marriage relationship, one of the partners, as a rule, humiliates and suppresses the other, persecuting him with his suspicions. Both have low self-esteem and low ratings of a partner, but continue to live with each other, since the presence of such a partner serves as a psychological justification for their lifestyle. Such a marriage can be considered as a sado-masochistic union described by E. Fromm. There are different options for such marriages.

· A paranoid husband and a depressed wife.This marriage involves an angry, suspicious and jealous husband who has lost his manhood, and a wife with low self-esteem, who allows herself to blame, since she believes that she will not find anyone better for herself. Often the husband reminds her of her father, who did not recognize her, or abandoned her.

· A husband with a tendency to depression, a wife with a tendency to paranoid behavior.A jealous wife chooses a husband who is prone to depression. The wife's suspicion serves as an excuse for the husband that he should not strive for contact with others, the outside world, which seems to him threatening.

By the type of distribution of power in the family, the following marriages can be distinguished:

· Symmetrical;

· Complimentary;

· Meta-complementary.

IN SymmetricalIn marriage, both spouses have equal rights, none of them is subordinate to the other. Problems are resolved through agreement, exchange, or compromise. IN ComplimentaryIn marriage, one of the partners obeys the other: one gives orders, the other expects advice or instructions. IN MetacomplementaryIn marriage, a leading position is achieved by one of the partners by manipulating the other: he realizes his own goals by emphasizing his weakness, inexperience, ineptitude or powerlessness.

There are other typologies of relationships in marriage, built on different grounds, depending on what the researcher's interest is focused on. When working with a specific family that has problems in relationships, you can rely on any classification that is most appropriate in this situation. The use of psychoanalytic classifications to a greater extent involves working with intrapersonal conflicts of one of the spouses (in more rare cases, both spouses). The use of other classifications, in which adaptive and non-adaptive types are distinguished, rather orients towards replacing less adaptive interaction options with more adaptive ones.

Thus, The types of marriages are, in fact, different variants of intra-family communication.

It is important to understand that a person's natural breathing is calm, measured and deep breathing in the stomach. However, under the pressure of the modern high-speed rhythm of life, a person accelerates so that it becomes literally "not to breathe". In other words, a person begins to breathe quickly and shallowly, as if gasping for breath, and at the same time use the chest. Such chest breathing is a sign of anxiety and often leads to hyperventilation syndrome, when the blood is oversaturated with oxygen, which is expressed in the opposite sensation: it seems to you that there is not enough oxygen, from which you begin to breathe even more intensively, thereby falling into a vicious circle of anxious breathing ...

Relaxation: theory and practice

Theory

Frequent, long-term, intense emotional experiences cannot but affect our physical well-being. The same anxiety always manifests itself in the form of muscle tension, which, in turn, sends a signal to the brain that it is time to worry. This vicious circle occurs because the mind and body are inextricably linked. Being "educated" and "cultured" people, we suppress, and do not show (do not express, do not express) emotions, due to which the arising muscle tension is not expended, but accumulates, which leads to muscle clamps, spasms and symptoms of vascular dystonia. To relax tense muscles, paradoxically, it is possible by means of a short, but rather intense tension, which promotes better muscle relaxation, which is the essence of neuromuscular relaxation.

Big family: we live together

A big family is a real small state. Several generations meet under one roof every day. This is the place where understanding and empathy can be found. But keeping the peace is not easy.
The main advantages of a large family: its members develop self-confidence, the ability to overcome difficulties, emotional endurance. Such a family feeds on positive energy, but in return requires attention and rigorous implementation. general rules... It turns out that family ties are endless mutual obligations, in the sea of \u200b\u200bwhich you can easily lose part of your “I”, as well as a good piece of personal space. A situation may arise when everyone in the family is acting at odds, hence quarrels and conflicts arise. To remedy the situation, you can gather a family council and discuss the rules of interaction with all family members. After a frank conversation, most often the reasons for quarrels disappear, the tension in the relationship subsides.

How naive were the ancient Greeks, in particular the philosopher Theophrastus, who in his treatise "Characteristics" said: "Tactlessness is the inability to choose the right moment for communication, which causes trouble for the interlocutor. A tactless person has no malice, but acts out of place and at the wrong time. "
Of course, you can assume that your neighbor Aunt Raya, who, while congratulating you on your birthday, will not fail to mention that the years go by, and the job is not a wolf, in fact, ingeniously wants you to get married and forget about your career. You can also justify a young nephew who bluntly compares your eyes under glasses to the headlights of a brand new Volkswagen - his tactlessness is based on a lack of life experience. But in modern world where more peoplewho purposely throw a provocative phrase to enjoy your acute reaction - embarrassment, irritation or aggression. For example, a "friend" who, in front of a man who is clearly not indifferent to you, is interested in how your visit to the proctologist went. Or an employee, trying to set you up in front of your superiors, asks an "innocent" question about whether you managed to download the next episode of a fashionable series - in the middle of a working day. These are none other than trolls. And if the behavior of Aunt Raya can be justified by a lack of education and innocence, then the trolls, as a rule, have a completely different motivation.

How happy the young are at the wedding, how happy they are that they have met each other. All of them wish: "Advice and love!" And people who have lived together say: "Patience to you!" Young - again: "Love you, love!" And those who have already lived: "Patience to you!"

It always surprised me at a wedding. “What kind of patience are they talking about? - I thought, - Love, love! " And so I want those couples who create a family to be happy. So you want their happiness to be preserved for life.

Have I seen such families? I saw! And not only in the photographs of the royal family. It is possible, but it has become rare. Why? Not ready. We now very often have the following directive: “Take everything from life! Take the maximum today! Don't think about tomorrow. "

The family is something else. The family presupposes sacrificial love. It involves the ability to listen to another person, to sacrifice something for the sake of another. This goes against what is now being suggested through the media. Now the maximum is that they say: "they began to live and make good money." And that's all. Good to make money! How to relate to each other in family life? Unclear. We'll see how it goes.

Why is a young family starting to fall apart? What does she face, what difficulties?

Trying on new statuses

Before marriage, during the so-called "period of conquest", young people are always in a good mood, look good, smile, and are very friendly. When they have already signed, they see each other from day to day as they are in real life.

I remember how one psychologist said this: "It is impossible for a person to walk on his toes all his life." In the premarital period, he walks on his toes. But in a family, if a person walks on tiptoes all the time, sooner or later his muscles will contract. And he will still be forced to stand on a full foot, start walking as usual. It turns out that after marriage, people behave as usual, which means that not only the best, but also the bad that, unfortunately, happens in our character, from which we ourselves would like to get rid of, begins to manifest in our character. And at this moment, when a person becomes real, and not like the one standing in the shop window, some difficulties arise.

But it is not normal for a person to always be in a blissful state. I.e, loving people begin to see each other in different states: in joy, in anger, and looking great, and not so. It happens in a rumpled dressing gown, and it happens in sweatpants. If before a woman always looked great, then after marriage, in the presence of her husband, she begins to induce beauty and the like. That is, those things that were previously hidden have become visible. There is irritation, and in a sense, disappointment. Why was there a fairy tale before, but now gray days have come? But that's okay! It was just not necessary to create castles in the air.

Now you need to understand, accept a person completely as he is. With its merits, and with its demerits. At the moment when a person begins to show not only his advantages, but also his shortcomings, new roles of husband and wife appear. And this state is completely new for a person who has just entered into a marriage union. Of course, before marriage, before marriage, each person imagined what kind of husband or wife he would be, what kind of father or mother he would be. But this is at the level of just ideas, ideals. Being married, a person behaves as it happens. And compliance with the ideal either works or does not work. Of course, from the very beginning, not everything works out the best way.

For clarity, I will give an example. One woman said very wisely: "There is no such person who would first step on figure skates and immediately go and start performing complex elements." Well, this does not happen. He will definitely fall and fill bumps. So it is when creating a family. People entered into an alliance and immediately became the best husband and wife in the world. It doesn't work that way. You still have to endure the pain, and fall, and cry. But you also have to get up. This is life. This is normal.

The husband is expected to behave differently from the groom. And the wife is also expected to behave differently from the bride. Note that even showing love in a family should be different from showing love in a premarital relationship. Answer this question yourself - if the groom puts a bunch of flowers to his bride before the marriage, climbing up the drain pipe to the third floor, how will other people perceive it? "Wow, how he loves her, he just lost his head from love!" Now imagine that the husband who has the key to this apartment does the same. He climbs to the third floor to place a bunch of flowers. In this case, everyone will say: "He's kind of strange." In the second case, it will be perceived not as a virtue, but as the strangeness of his thinking. They will think if he is sick.

It would seem a trifle how to present a bunch of flowers. But the expectations from the groom and from the husband are completely different. Why? Yes, because love is something in marriage, it is completely different. Here, more and more serious, more demanding, much more tolerance, prudence, calmness should be shown. Quite different qualities are expected. Returning to the original question, premarital relationships and the beginning of a family life are completely different stages in family life. But the beginning of a family, it seems to me, is more interesting, because this is already real life. A premarital relationship is preparation for a fairy tale, and family life - this is the beginning of the tale. Which will be happy or unhappy, but it depends on you.

The difference between a man and a woman in understanding love and family

A man and a woman feel differently at the very beginning of family life. Many women have a desire to preserve the style of premarital relationships, so that the man always compliments them, gives flowers and gifts. Then she thinks that he really loves her. And if he does not give gifts, does not say compliments, there is a suspicion: "Probably out of love." And the young wife begins to peer at him, ask questions. And the man does not understand why the woman is so restless, what happened.

When psychologists began to study this issue, it turned out that at any stage of family development it is important for a woman that a man would say something good and kind to her. A woman is so arranged that she needs verbal support. And men are more rational. And when men are asked about the extinct feelings, they are surprised, and the majority say: “But after all, we signed, there is a fact. After all, this is the most important proof of love. It's still clear, what else to say? "

That is, a man and a woman have a different approach. A woman needs proof every day. And so the man does not understand what is happening to her every day. But it costs him nothing to bring and present one flower. And the woman will blossom after that, she will move mountains! It is important to her, but the man does not get it. One man said that when a woman starts to get angry, he does not attack her, but tells her: “Despite the fact that you are angry, I still love you. You are so beautiful! " What's going on with the woman? She melts away and says, "It's impossible to talk to you seriously." You just need to feel each other and say the necessary words. Since the woman is more emotional, you need to give her this emotional support.

They began to look further, and it turned out that even the very concept of "love and being together" a man and a woman understand differently. There is such a family of psychologists, husband and wife Kronik. They investigated the question of how men and women understand what it means to be together. When entering into marriage, a man and a woman say: “I am marrying for love. I love this man. And I want to always be with him. " It would seem that we speak the same language, we pronounce the same thing. But it turns out that a man and a woman put different meanings in these words. Which one?

The first and most common. When a woman says “love and be together,” her performance can be depicted as the following model. If you draw circles (they are called Eller circles): one circle and within it a shaded second circle. This is what it means for a woman to be together. She tries to be in the center of the life of her beloved man. Such women often say: "I love you so much that if you are not in my life, then it loses its meaning." This is the same type of relationship when a woman in family life begins to cry or runs to a psychologist. She doesn't understand what's going on. “But we agreed to be together,” she says.

If you look from the Orthodox point of view, the law is violated here: the Gospel says "Do not make yourself an idol." This woman makes her husband not just a husband and a loved one, she puts him above God. She kind of says to him, "You are everything to me." This is a violation of spiritual law!

From a psychological point of view, such a woman in these relationships takes the role of a mother, and makes a child out of a husband. She re-educates her husband to the level of a capricious child. “Watch me cook. On you porridge, on you supik. See how well I clean. And come on this or this? Only love me! And let me rock you, sing a song. " And the man gradually becomes a child from the head of the family. Who would refuse to be carried on their hands?

Several years pass, and the woman begins to shout: "I gave you my whole life, and you are ungrateful!" “Listen,” the man says, “I didn't ask you to do this.” And he is absolutely right. She herself grabbed him in her arms, carried him, and then burst into tears. Who is to blame here? The man should be the head of the family, and the wife should behave in such a way that he feels like the head. She should not raise a capricious child out of him. You must be able to love!

The second type of family, common in the deified Russia, depicted with the help of Eller's circles. One shaded circle. Style "don't leave me a step, and I won't leave you." Such a family is like a prison. Once, in a student sketch, a student described this situation as follows: the wife, as it were, says to her husband, "To the leg, to the leg!" She says this to the head of the family, her husband! But he's not a dog! Why "to the leg"? At the same time, a woman comes to a family consultation and says: “You know, I suffer so much, but he is so ungrateful. He doesn't appreciate me at all! " However, she sincerely believes that she is suffering. And she does not understand that her strongest love is for herself. The attitude towards the husband is humiliating, not as to the head of the family, but as to the one to whom one can say "Be quiet!" and "To the leg!"

The next version of love and the interpretation of the concept of "being together." This option is the most normal and humane. If you depict the relationship in the form of wedding rings, they will overlap each other slightly. That is, the husband and wife are together, but not as in the second case, when the family is like a prison. Here the woman understands that her husband is an independent person, he has the right to his experiences, his actions. They do not always have to walk toe-to-toe and look in one direction, there must be respect for each other, trust. If a man is not at home for some time, this does not mean that he is doing something indecent. No need to tell him "Where have you been? .. And now again, but honestly!" There should be a certain freedom, trust in each other. And a woman feels more comfortable, comfortable when a man is not always in front of her eyes. I want to draw your attention, to love is still giving another person the opportunity to do something without you. From this, the other person does not become a stranger, from this he grows up, he gains new information, his life is getting richer. A person communicates at his work, he reads books that he likes. Having processed all this, he becomes more interesting in the family, becomes more mature.

Now let's see how men understand what it means to be together. It turned out that the most common option is the following. If you depict two circles, then they will be at a distance from each other, and will be united by something in common: basically, a man and a woman are united by their place of residence (apartment). What does it mean? The man is more independent. He needs more freedom in life. This does not mean that he is not a home person. A man values \u200b\u200bfamily life very much. He just needs a normal family environment. He does not need a hysterical wife, rushing about, who sees her life in raising her husband as a student. He does not need one who reproaches all her life, and then says "Why don't you appreciate me?"

This misunderstanding between a man and a woman, when they understand differently what it means to be together, is felt especially acutely in the first year of life together. Because of this, women suffer more often. Therefore, I appeal to them. If a man is not always in front of your eyes, do not take it as a tragedy. Moreover, a man must assert himself at work. If he asserts himself in work, in his profession, he becomes much softer in the family. If something does not work out for him at work, then he behaves harder in the family. Therefore, do not be jealous of his work. This is also a mistake. Husband and wife should not breathe in and out at the same time. And in life the same way, everyone should have their own rhythm, but they should be together. Unity should take place at the level of trust and respect for the other person.

I sometimes suggest to some women: "Imagine that a man would tell you troubles from morning till evening, teach you something from morning to evening." Such things never occur to women. Women do not at all understand that she is not a teacher in the family, and her husband is not a poor student. The opposite is true: he is the head of the family, and she should be his assistant. To teach him is not according to the commandments, it is a violation of spiritual laws.

There are physical laws and there are spiritual ones. Both those and others are of God. Both those and others are not canceled. There is a law of universal gravity. They threw a stone, it must fall to the ground. A heavy stone was thrown, it will hit very hard. The same is true for spiritual laws. Whether we know them or not, they still work. The elders write that "The dominion of a woman over a man is blasphemy against God," fighting against God. If a woman does not behave according to the commandments, she will suffer. Women, come to your senses! Begin to behave properly. Everything will come to life and line up as it should.

Monotone

In the first year of family life, there is such a complexity as monotony. If before marriage they met occasionally with each other, there were dates, and at this time both were in high spirits, everything was festive. In family life, it turns out that they see each other from day to day. And they see all sorts of things, and in a good mood, and in a bad one, they see ironed, ironed and not ironed at all. As a result of monotony, monotony accumulates emotional fatigue. We must learn to arrange holidays for ourselves. Just drop everything and go out of town together. Another setting, nature, and both of you calmed down. Just a change of impressions. And when people return from such a trip, everything is already different. Many problems no longer seem as global as before, and everything is simpler. The most important thing is to have it together, and to have a rest together, throw off this monotony, get rid of monotony.

Hypertrophy of little things

As a result of monotony, emotional fatigue sets in, the so-called "hypertrophy of little things" begins. That is, trifles begin to annoy.

A woman is annoyed that a man, returning home, does not hang his jacket on his shoulders, but throws it somewhere. Another woman is annoyed that the toothpaste is squeezed out not in the middle, but from above or below (that is, not where she is used to). And it starts to irritate to a nervous chill. Some things start to annoy the man too. For example, why does she talk on the phone for so long. And before the marriage, it touched him. “Wow, how sociable she is, how she is loved, how many people are drawn to her, and she chose me.” In marriage, the same is annoying to a nervous tremor. “What can you talk about for so many hours on the phone? he asks. - No, you tell me - about what? " When married couples come for a consultation, you see that they are not ready for a compromise, physically they can hardly restrain themselves. Husband and wife often turn to each other with the question: “Do you understand that these are trifles? Well, if it's not that important, why is it so hard for you to give in to me? "

Firstly, the position where someone else has to rebuild for me is an unwise position. Even in ancient times, people said, "If you want to be happy, be happy." This does not mean that the whole world should be rebuilt for our convenience. There must be elementary patience and self-control. Well, what's the difference how the man squeezed out the paste? It's not a global tragedy that he hung his clothes on a chair, and not on a hanger. You can react differently without getting hysterical.

What else is starting to happen? There is a need to run a household. If earlier you could do nothing at home, or do it occasionally, because you were a child, now everything turned out differently. Earlier they told you: "You will work out in life, you still have a rest." And when families are created, the classic version is this: a young wife only gets an egg or potatoes, fry eggs, heat cutlets, and the husband can do about the same. Is this a readiness for family life? Basic dinner preparation becomes a feat. Remember the movie, Munchausen says "Today I have a feat on my schedule"? Then everything in the family becomes a feat. Even banal cooking. Mamma had done everything before, but then some responsibilities fell. It is very annoying if you are not ready, if you are used to using it.

What to do in this situation? Grow up! Rebuild! You need to make an effort on yourself. It's elementary, if you remember the stage when children move from kindergarten to school, and they have new responsibilities, new lessons, so much time has to be prepared. Well, that’s why they don’t drop out of school! They learn, go on and on.

Just laugh at this little thing, turn everything into a joke. This is on the one hand. On the other hand, go towards each other. This is not so global problem, because you can listen to another person. This is the most reasonable thing. There is a phrase - "I will die, but I will not bow down." Well, why die standing up when it’s so easy to walk up and hang your jacket in the right place, if this annoys another person, especially a loved one? After all, he will be grateful to you, and the evening will turn out to be happier and there will be no scenes. Also for a woman. If she feels that her husband is annoyed by her long conversations on the phone, she should give in to him.

Who is the head of the family or Caesar - Caesar

In the first year, it is determined who will be the head of the family. Husband or wife? Very often women who marry for love begin their family life by pleasing their husband. It is so natural: when you love, it is good for the other person. Many women are carried away. They begin to behave in the spirit of “I will do everything myself. After all, the main thing is that you feel good. " If you need to get out, of course, she herself. To the store? Don't, she herself. If the husband offers help, immediately "don't, don't, I myself." If a man starts to decide something, the woman also tries to take an active part, "but I think so," "let's do as I say." She, simply speaking, does not understand at this moment that she is unconsciously (and sometimes consciously) trying to take on the role of the head of the family.

Many women who get married behave the same at a wedding, when the newlyweds are supposed to bite off a piece of a loaf. They try so hard to bite off more. They shout to her: "Bite more!" And the woman tries to swallow to the maximum. According to a Moscow proverb: "The wider you open your mouth, the more you bite off." So they try to open their mouth wider, up to dislocation. They don't even know that a family tragedy begins here. This is the beginning of family pain in several generations. Why? It is normal for a man to be in charge of the family (whether he understands it or not). The woman is weak. The man himself is more rational, cold-blooded, calm. His thinking is different. Women are more emotional, we feel more, but we capture more in breadth than in depth. Therefore, the family council should be in the family: one takes more in width, the other - in depth. One is more at the level of cold reason, the other at the level of the heart, feelings. Then there is fullness, warmth, comfort.

If a woman, without realizing it, intercepts the role of a leader from a man, the following happens: she changes, loses her femininity, becomes masculine. Pay attention, a woman in love and loving can be seen from afar. She is very gentle, the embodiment of femininity and motherhood, calm, peaceful. If we take emancipated modernity, then in many families matriarchy reigns now, in which a woman is the leader of the family. Why?

Very often women come for a consultation and say, “Where can I get them, real men. I would be glad to get out of this, but where can I find it? " When you begin to analyze the situation, it turns out that with her attitude towards life and with her behavioral features, only the man who will shut up and step aside can survive with her without a heart attack. Because someone has to be sane. He thinks, "I'd rather keep quiet, because you can't shout her down." She shouts to him: "What kind of husband are you ?!" And he was simply already deaf from her scream. “Yes, here I am. Calm down. See that you are not alone. You just feel that you are a woman. "

A woman should be feminine, soft and not hysterical. Warmth should come from her. The woman's task is to keep the hearth. But what kind of guardian is she if it is a tsunami, typhoon, a small Chechen war within the family territory? A woman needs to come to her senses, remember that she is a woman!

Women ask me the question "What should I do if he does not take on the role of head?" First, I must say that our boys are not trained to be the head of the family. Earlier, before 1917, the boy was told: “When you grow up, you have to become the head of the family, you will answer before God, like your wife was behind you (she is a weak vessel). You will answer how the children felt behind your back (after all, they are small). You will have to answer before God what you did to make them all feel good. " They said to him: “You are the protector! You must protect your family, your homeland. " Orthodoxy teaches us that there is no higher honor than to lay down our lives for our friends. It's an honor! Because you are a man. And now they say: “Think about it! Do you want to join the army? You will die there! Are you crazy or what ?! " Now they bring up in the spirit: "You are still small, you still have to live for yourself."

And this "little" one creates a family. And it would be all right, he could become the head of the family if there was a feminine woman nearby. There should be a wife next to her, who was brought up in Orthodox traditions, who knows that her task is to be such a wife so that she wants to return to her house, because she is there, because she is kind and loving, and not shy away from her with the words “Lord have mercy. " She should be such a mother that children can approach her for help, and not run away from her, seeing how bad she is. She should be a hostess so that it would not be a feat for her to cook food. You see, when a man marries a feminine woman, family life goes differently. And in a family with an emancipated woman, the following situation often occurs. She says: “You didn't listen to me last time, and it turned out badly. So be smart, listen to me now! Do you not yet understand that you are complete (knock-knock-knock) compared to me? "

When I was studying at the institute, our teacher once said: “Girls, remember for the rest of your life: intelligent man and a smart woman is not the same thing. " Why? An intelligent person has erudition, extraordinary thinking. An intelligent woman does not exaggerate her intellect when communicating, especially in a family. She tries to carefully find the very solution, the softest, the most painless, that would suit everyone in the family, to help her husband, and so that everything is peaceful and calm. Many of our women are not smart. They go into a frontal attack, they act like fighters in the ring, women's boxing begins. What does a man do? He steps aside. "If you want to fight, well, fight."

Moscow psychologist (her kingdom of Heaven) Florenskaya Tamara Aleksandrovna said a wonderful phrase: "In order for a husband to be a real man, one must become a real woman herself." We must start with ourselves. This, of course, is difficult, but without this, a real man will not work. When a woman is constantly torn and hysterical, the man tries to step aside so as not to go deaf.

It's that simple. When a woman realizes herself and begins to change, at first the man is tensely waiting for the usual scenes, begins to ask: "Are you all right?" But then, when she really changes, then the husband finally begins to behave like a man, because he is given the opportunity to behave not like a whipping boy, but like a real man. And then, since the parents behave like a normal husband and wife, the children calm down. Peace comes to the family, everything falls into place.

Some women say, “How can I behave like a helper? I can not! Neither my grandmother nor my mother behaved like that. I never had this before my eyes. "

Indeed, how? Everything is banal and very simple - you should not stick out your “I” and put it at the forefront, but just love the other and cherish. Then the heart begins to prompt.

For example, a woman says, “Here I am discussing family issues with him, but all the same, I make the right decision. Why lie then? Why waste time on this? " This is how an intelligent person behaves, but an unwise woman, because she is digging a grave for her family. She seems to say: “I can't see you point blank. What did someone say there? Are you? What did you squeak there? "

Is this how they behave with the head of the family? For example, one very intelligent woman answers my question: "How do you talk to your husband?" She says: “I will tell you the options that came to my mind, but the decision is up to you. You're the head. " I told him how she sees the situation, and he makes the decision. And it is right!

I understand that this is difficult to say. The modern woman is more likely to break, and will act according to the principle "I will die, but I will not bow down." And the family falls apart.

It is normal for a woman to turn to a man for advice. And the man begins to get used to the fact that he is in charge, what will be asked of him. When there are children, it's okay to tell the child, “Ask dad. As he says, so be it. After all, he is our chief. "

When the children got naughty, it’s right to say: “Quiet, dad is resting. He was at work. Let's be quiet. " These are little things, but they are the ones that make up a happy family. This must be learned to do. This is how an intelligent woman, a homemaker, behaves. Next to such a woman, a man from an inexperienced boy becomes the head. It is such a family, according to a survey of sociologists and psychologists, that is strong, because everything is in its place.

Relations of a young family with relatives

Family psychologists who have studied a lot of young families have come to the conclusion that it is better to live separately from their parents. With modern upbringing, if a young family begins to live separately, it does not have such a painful effect on how they master their roles than if they lived with their parents.

Let me explain why. Modern people are very childish. Very often people who create families, they are still determined to be children, so that mom and dad carry them on handles, so that mom and dad can solve their problems. If there is not enough money for them to help. If you can't buy clothes, you can buy more clothes. If the furnishings are not good enough, they can help with furniture. And if there is no apartment, they should rent an apartment. This attitude is selfish. Parents, like small children, must carry them on handles, must roll them in strollers. This is wrong, because when a family is created, they are two adults who may soon have their own children. They themselves have to carry someone on handles. When creating a family, it is necessary in advance, before marriage, before the wedding, to think about where the young will live. Better to find an opportunity, try to earn money in advance. It is advisable not at the expense of the parents, but at their own expense, at least for the first six months to rent an apartment and live separately.

Why did psychologists come to the conclusion that with modern upbringing, it is better to start family life separately? When a family is created, young people must master the role of husband or wife. These roles must be consistent. But it doesn't work out that everything was smooth at once. And in order to become a good wife, a woman must feel on herself what it means to be a good wife. For her, this is still an unusual state. It's the same for a man. Being a husband is unusual, but he is the head of the family, a lot is expected from him. Quite recently there was so much freedom, but now there are only responsibilities. A man needs to get used to it. Young spouses need to coordinate their actions so that communication between husband and wife is a joy. And in these painful moments, when everything does not always work out, it is better for the young to live separately. When one person after the wedding comes to another family, he should not only find a common language with this particular person. He will have to join the life of another family in which they lived very much without him long years... For example, consider the relationship in a classroom when a new student arrives. Everyone had been together for a long time, and then a new one came. At first, everyone is looking at him. And it happens, like in the movie "Scarecrow". If a person is different from others, then repressive measures are sure to begin against him, they try him for strength. They watch how he will behave. Why? He is different, and we must see how much you can find a common language with him.

The Japanese even have a saying: "If a nail sticks out, they drive it in." What does it mean? If a person stands out in something, they try to adjust him to the general standard so that he becomes like everyone else. It turns out that a person who has come to another family, in which all relationships have already developed, experiences more difficulties. He has to build relationships not only with one person, husband or wife, but also with other relatives. He is no longer equal, it is more difficult for him.

When young people get married, they look at each other and think that the family is two people. And there are also numerous relatives, and each has his own idea of \u200b\u200bhow to behave with this family: what time to visit them and leave, in what tone to talk, how often to interfere. And these problems with new relatives are quite painful.

How do today's youth behave? Very often she was brought up in the system of democracy, in the values \u200b\u200bof universal equality. Elderly people have lived their lives, they have a wealth of experience. What is equality here? What is a familiar pat on the shoulder? There should be respect for adults! But adults now have their own imbalances. It is written in the Gospel that "a man will leave his father and his mother, and the two will become one flesh." A person must leave his parents. They have the right to intervene in a child's life when he does not have his own family. When he has his own family, he is, as they say, "a cut off hunk." The family must make the decision on their own, at their family council. Climbing to them so actively with advice is not allowed.

Especially often there are problems when the mother interferes in the life of a young family. A man, unlike a woman, rarely interferes with the family of his child. What is the mother's mistake? The only mistake is that it does not help correctly. Help, of course, is necessary, but not at the level of humiliation and reproaches. The same thing can be said at the level of a reprimand, a public slap in the face. And the same can be said very carefully, one on one. "Daughter, I wanted to talk to you." When it is said with love, the heart always responds. When this is said with the wrong inner attitude, a person begins to reject. We must learn to help another person. Not at the level of the ruler, who beats with a whip, but at the parental level, having many years of experience behind her and instructing them, fledgling chicks, helping with advice. They will definitely hear!

And one more feature: very many young people now, when they are creating families, begin to call their new parents not "mom" and "dad", but by name and patronymic. Their motivation is as follows: “Well, you know, I have a dad and a mom. And it's hard for me to say "mom" and "dad" to strangers". This is not true! We have formal and informal style in clothes, we have a classic suit and we have indoor clothes. The official style also presupposes official communication by name and patronymic, here it is indecent to use the name. This communication style sets the distance. If in a family where there are close relationships, communication takes place at the level of an official reception, then a distance immediately appears. And then the question: why am I being treated with arrogance? It is normal to call, if you are well-mannered, your new parents "mom" and "dad". "Mommy", "Daddy", and the answer will be involuntarily - "daughter" or "son". As it comes around, it will respond. There is a law in psychology: if you want to change your attitude towards yourself, change your attitude towards this person. We must feel the heart of another person.

It can be very difficult. Many women at consultations say: “He has such a mother! It is impossible to stand it. Why should I love her? " You understand, if you lack so much kindness, at least love her for giving birth to and raising such a son for you. She gave birth. And she raised. And now you have married him. Already for this you should be grateful to her. Start with this and the other person will feel it. Necessarily! As it comes around, it will respond. You need to love your relatives, and not immediately arrange transformations: “I came, and now everything will be different. Here we will rearrange, here we will plant flowers, replace the curtains. " If this family lived its own way, and you came to this family, you must respect it. You need to start by loving other people and learning how to give love. Do not demand, but give!

This is the task of the first year of family life. It's very hard. If a person is brought up in Orthodoxy, this is natural for him. If he was brought up in a modern way: in the spirit of “live, take everything from life,” then these are continuous problems. As a result, the first year ends, and you think, “Before that, life was calm, like in a fairy tale. And there are so many problems. Let's get divorced. " And people get divorced, not realizing that family life can be very happy, you just have to work hard, and then the return can be huge. If at the very beginning of family life this sprout is broken off, then there will be a point, thorns all life. That is, you need to let the family get stronger, gain strength, so that it gives you warmth.

This painful moment of family formation is common. For example, a baby learns to walk, he gets up and falls, gets up and falls. But this does not mean that now he should not learn to walk. A young family, she also learns to walk. But there is such a feature. When a baby learns to walk, it is necessary for an adult to stand nearby, constantly insure, take the handle. In the case of a young family, they must hold each other's hand. Together, husband and wife. Psychologists recommend starting to learn to walk separately from other relatives. When they learn to walk in one leg, figuratively speaking, then it turns out that they can already move on to the next step. After some time, after living separately, you can move to your parents. And the money that was spent on paying for the apartment can already be spent on other things.

In addition, a separate life helps young spouses to grow up. I started with the fact that we have some young people, and even for the most part, when they start family life, they still have consumer attitudes. “Give, give, give! I am still a child, I am still small and there is no demand from me ”. But imagine if a person ended up on a desert island. Who there will pay attention to whether you are small or big, can you cook or not? You will have to search around so that you can eat this, and then you will have to look for a way to cook it. After all, you will not eat raw fish, such as it was thrown ashore? You are forced to find opportunities, learn how to cook food, how to equip your life. When young people begin to live separately, they seem to be on that very uninhabited island. It depends only on them what they will eat, how they will live, how they will build relationships. This helps you grow up much faster. And infantile attitudes such as "carry me on your arms" must be removed. This is reasonable, and I think parents should not prevent it. Of course, I want everything to be fine with my children, I want to grab the pens. But it's time for them to grow up. Listen to this. Of course, there are times when young people have matured internally, when they can build their relationships, being in the family of their parents. But for most young people this is very difficult. These are additional problems.

The appearance of a child

Second stage, second step. First year. A child appears in the family. I am not taking the case of so-called “simulated” marriages (this is when the bride is pregnant and therefore the marriage is concluded). Earlier in Russia it was considered a shame. Why? The word "bride" means - "unknown", synonyms - mystery, purity. Her clothes are white, a sign of purity. In our case, what is the unknown bride? I was recently shown a fashion magazine for a pregnant bride. Different options for a wedding dress for pregnant brides. They are simply taught consciously, systematically to debauchery. Previously, it was at the level of shame, but now it is in the order of things.

What happens if the bride is pregnant? The first crisis of family life is superimposed on another - the child. And the family is bursting at all the seams. If you look psychologically. And if you know the spiritual laws, then things are already obvious. The fact is that when a person lives according to the commandments of God, when he is covered with grace, everything happens by itself. He goes with thanksgiving. A sense of security appears. The feeling that God is love and He cares about each of us. When a person begins to sin ... there is such a concept “sin stinks”. The Guardian Angel departs because our sin stinks. Grace leaves us, we begin to suffer, to suffer. We ourselves have departed from God. We have chosen this path and we ourselves are suffering. When the bride becomes so "experienced" (and sometimes not just one man), and then she asks: "Why do I suffer so much, why do my children suffer?" Well, open the Gospel, read it!

When a child was born earlier, they prayed, asked God to send that child who would be the joy of the family, the joy of God. Now often "holiday" children are born. When people get drunk on holidays and conceive a child in this state. And then the baby is born, and the parents ask: who did he go to, we didn't have this in our family?

Before, when a woman was carrying a child, she always prayed. She confessed often, received communion. Through this, the child is formed. A woman's body is a house for this baby. She clears up and her condition affects the child. Naturally, everything affects the relationship with her husband, physical relations are terminated. Because this is a hormonal earthquake for a baby. Why do they say "absorbed with mother's milk"? When mom fed the baby, she prayed. And if a mother, while feeding with her husband, cursed or watched a semi-pornographic film, which is now constantly shown on TV, then what is laid to the baby with mother's milk? Remember how you behaved when carrying the child and feeding. And why be surprised after that?

There are no dead ends in Orthodoxy. God is absolute love, and He is waiting for our repentance. Only. And as in the parable of the prodigal son, only the son returns, the father ran to meet him. “Father, I am not worthy to be called your son,” the son says, and the father runs to meet him. Here you just need to realize and repent, and repentance means correction. And repentance should be not only at the level of “now I won't do that”. It is imperative to go to confession and receive communion. Then we heal the soul and body.

We often would like to cope with our strengths, but we cannot. I remember that in the Soviet period there was a slogan: "A man is the smith of his own happiness." And in one newspaper I read: "A man is a grasshopper of his own happiness." Exactly! A person jumps, chirps, thinks that he is jumping high. What a blacksmith is there! After all, without God, man cannot create anything. Therefore, you need to go to God, repent, ask for strength, say “I have already done so much in my life, help, fix it, I cannot, you can. Help! Wise me, guide me and fix everything. You could revive the four-day Lazarus when he was already a stinking corpse. You revive me, revive my family, which is already stinking, disintegrating, my children, who have suffered, you help them yourself ”. And, of course, you yourself must begin to correct yourself. This is all possible.

What happens when a young family has a baby? They expect him and think: now everything will be fine. And what begins is that they must take on new roles of mother and father. There is a feat of motherhood and fatherhood. This is sacrificial love, you have to forget about yourself. How can you forget about yourself? It's so hard when you're selfish. And when you love, it's not difficult at all.

When a baby is born, how does the load in the family change? Firstly, if we take statistics, the burden on a woman sharply increases on household chores, the time for preparing food doubles. Cook for adults and for a small one. And all by the hour. In addition, the washing time increases many times.

Further. A newborn baby should sleep 18-20 hours a day. But now in our city, and throughout Russia, only 3% of absolutely healthy babies are born. The diagnosis of hyperexcitability has become a tradition in babies. What modern baby sleeps 18-20 hours? He cries and cries. As a result, when crying stops, a woman can fall asleep both sitting and half-standing. The woman has such an emotional overload. And what about the man? He thought it would be such happiness. But it turned out the opposite: the wife rushes about, the child cries. And this is family life.

What happens next? An offer comes in: “Let's get a divorce? So tired! " But why divorce? You just have to grow up. A child will not be a baby all his life. Within a year, he will begin to walk, grow, and then the baby has an amazing ability (up to 5 years old) to bring joy. They are such suns in the family, they are so happy about everything. "What is there to be happy about?" - we think. And they are so happy: "Mom, look here and there is a house, and here a house, and around the house." And he's so happy. "Ah, mom, look bird!" And he's happy. For them, everything is for the first time in their life. This is a lesson for us, adults, how we can get joy from everything.

Recording of the conversation - Maternity Protection Center "Cradle", Yekaterinburg.

Transcript, editing, headings - site

Distance (online) course will help to find family happiness . (Psychologist Alexander Kolmanovsky)
The family ship crashes on the ice of selfishness ( Crisis psychologist Mikhail Khasminsky)
The family needs a hierarchy ( Psychologist Lyudmila Ermakova)
Commitment allows people to be together ( Family psychologist Irina Rakhimova)
Marriage: the end and beginning of freedom ( Psychologist Mikhail Zavalov)
Does a family need a hierarchy? ( Psychologist Mikhail Khasminsky)
If you create a family, then for life ( Yuri Borzakovsky, Olympic champion)
The country of the family is a great country ( Vladimir Gurbolikov)
Apology for marriage ( Priest Pavel Gumerov)

Marriage is enlightenment and, at the same time, a mystery. In it, a person is transformed, his personality expanded. A person gains a new vision, a new sense of life, is born into the world in a new fullness. Only in marriage is it possible to fully understand a person, to see another person. In marriage, a person immerses himself in life, entering it through another person. This knowledge and life gives that feeling of complete completeness and satisfaction that makes us richer and wiser.

This completeness deepens even further with the emergence of the two, merged together, - a third, their child. A perfect married couple will give birth to a perfect child, and it will continue to develop according to the laws of perfection; but, if there is an unconquerable discord, a contradiction between the parents, then the child will be the product of this contradiction and will continue it.

Through the Sacrament of Marriage, grace is also granted for the upbringing of children, which Christian spouses only contribute, as the Apostle Paul says: "Not me, however, but the grace of God, which is with me" (1 Cor. 15, 10).

The Guardian Angels, given to babies from Holy Baptism, secretly but tangibly assist parents in raising their children, averting various dangers from them.

If in marriage only an external union took place, and not the victory of each of the two over his own self and pride, then this will also affect the child, entail his inevitable alienation from his parents - a split in the home church.

But it is also impossible to forcibly restrain, inspire, force to be the way the father and mother want, the one who, having received a body from them, has taken from God the main thing - the one and only person with his own path in life. Therefore, for the upbringing of children, the most important thing is that they see their parents living a true spiritual life and glowing with love.

Human individualism and selfishness create special difficulties in marriage. They can only be overcome through the efforts of both spouses. Both must build up marriage daily, fighting against the vain daily passions that undermine its spiritual foundation - love. The festive joy of the first day should last a lifetime; every day should be a holiday, every day a husband and wife should be new to each other. The only way for this is to deepen the spiritual life of everyone, work on oneself, walk before God. The most terrible thing in marriage is the loss of love, and it sometimes disappears because of trifles, so all thoughts and efforts must be directed to preserving love and spirituality in the family - everything else will come by itself. This work should be started from the very first days of life together. It would seem that the simplest, but also the most difficult thing is the determination to take everyone his place in marriage: the wife humbly takes second place, the husband - to take the burden and responsibility to be the head. If there is this determination and desire, God will always help on this difficult, martyr's, but also blessed path. No wonder while walking around the lectern they sing "The Holy Martyrs ..."

It is said about a woman - "a weak vessel". This "weakness" consists mainly of a woman's subordination to the natural elements in herself and outside her. As a result - weak self-control, irresponsibility, passion, shortsightedness in judgments, words, deeds. Almost no woman is free from this, she is often a slave to her passions, her likes and dislikes, her desires.

Only in Christ does a woman become equal to a man, subordinates her temperament to higher principles, acquires prudence, patience, the ability to reason, wisdom. Only then is her friendship with her husband possible.

However, neither a man, let alone a woman, has absolute power over each other in marriage. Violence against the will of another, even in the name of love, kills love itself. It follows from this that one does not always have to humbly submit to such violence, since it contains a danger for the dearest. Most marriages are unhappy precisely because each party considers itself the owner of the one they love. Almost all family difficulties and discord are from here. The greatest wisdom of Christian marriage is to give complete freedom to the one you love, for our earthly marriage is a semblance of a heavenly marriage - Christ and the Church - and then there is complete freedom. The secret of the happiness of Christian spouses lies in the joint fulfillment of the will of God, which unites their souls with each other and with Christ. At the heart of this happiness is striving for the highest, common for them Object of love, which attracts everything to itself (John 12, 32). Then the whole family life will be directed towards Him, and the union of those who have been combined will be strengthened. And without love for the Savior, no connection is strong, for neither mutual attraction, nor common tastes, nor common earthly interests not only contain a true and lasting connection, but, on the contrary, often all these values \u200b\u200bsuddenly begin to serve as separation. The Christian marriage union has the deepest spiritual foundation, which neither bodily intercourse possesses, for the body is subject to disease and aging, nor the life of feelings, which is changeable in nature, nor community in the field of common worldly interests and activities, "for the image of this world passes away" (1 Cor. 7:31). The life of a Christian married couple can be likened to the rotation of the Earth with its constant companion, the Moon, around the Sun. Christ is the Sun of Truth, warming His children and shining for them in darkness.

“Glorious is the yoke of two believers,” says Tertullian, “who have the same hope, live according to the same rules, serve the One Lord. Together they pray, fast together, teach and admonish one another. Together they are in church, together at the Lord's Supper , together in sorrow and persecution, in repentance and rejoicing. They are pleasing to Christ, and He sends down His peace to them. And where there are two in His name, there is no place for any evil. "